bigeyesseemore's Blog

Returning, Take Two.

So the nostalgia hit me pretty hard tonight, thought I'd try again with this. I guess I just need a place to write and be honest. Damn, I can't be honest about anything anymore. I've gotten so good at it- lying. It just rolls off my tongue, natural as spit. I keep trying to tell everyone around me that everything is better than it is, but god damn. It's all finally catching up to me. 
Basically, the root of the problem is that my sister is pregnant. Now, this would be great except for the long list of severe physical and mental disabilities that she has. The doctors have estimated a 300,000 dollar hospital bill if the baby survives. And she's only about 3 months along. But the bills of the pregnancy are what's kicking my ass. See, my parents are refusing any contact with her, which obviously means they aren't offering any help with the bills. My sister, who has landed a wonderful job at KFC, is having her hours cut big time because of her inability to work productivly. Her fiance's job situation is just as shitty. And I'm still learning how to pronounce the word 'no' so I've been doing everything I can to pay. Right now I'm working at a 'strip club', which is really just at this old guy's mansion and I don't have to take the little clothing that the uniform offers. Basically, I'm supposed to make sure everyone is having a good time, which translates to making the horny boys feel special about themselves. I got the shit beaten out of me last week from this. But it's good money, and for her, I would do anything. 
Anything meaning that I can now no longer afford any of my medication. I finally got correctly diagnosed with a form of autism, not schizoaffective disorder. Still trying to figure out if that's better or worse. I still feel the same. But I'm off the meds for that, my liver, skin, kidney, and immune system. Basically, I'm just waiting to die at this point. But like I said, for her, I would do anything. 

For anyone who remotely knows what the fuck is going on, I ran into Anthony the other day. He was with his parents and his dad got really excited to see me, and immediately ran over to say hi. So I got to stand there and talk to him for 10 minutes while his mom acted like I was about to attack her son. Anthony tried to act like the wall next to us was far more interesting than me. Hell, maybe it was. Friend of mine told me he doesn't shut up about me. What he says though, is still a mystery.
Like it's not that I miss him or anything. He did some shit and said some things that I really just can't forgive. I can't go around letting myself get walked all over, so I'm being stubborn about this. The friend told me it was obvious that he's still hung up over me, I'm trying to convey the fact that I want him to get hit by a truck. But yeah, I'll be seeing him a lot more once school starts. 
Speaking of school, I'm going to be graduating a year early. Gonna go to college locally for my freshman year, then hopefully move to NYC and attend NYU. One step at a time though. 
So on a different topic, I went to Trey's house the other day. His friend needed money so I was delivering that. It was in secret though, so I brought muffins at well. Trey gave me the look. The tilted head half smile look? Yeah. I don't know what to do with that. It's not like I hate him or anything, I don't have anything against him. I'm just waiting to see what's gonna happen there. Probably nothing, but I wouldn't complain if we started talking again. It was nice to have someone who remotely understood what the hell I was saying. I'll take it with a grain of salt though. 
Paul and I are fine. I really don't think I'm going to talk about him much on here though. Everyone I talk about on here ends up hating me, so I'd rather not risk it. And I just feel..shady about doing that. 
All I'm gonna say is things are starting to look real permanent. Scares the fucking shit out of me, won't even lie. I keep finding myself wanting to run the other way. Like the thought of leaving and starting over creeps into my mind more than I'd ever admit. But what we have going on is really good, and we both sacrificed a lot for this. I haven't drank or done any drugs since we started going steady. Kind of a big deal but whatever...I'm just..I really don't want to fuck this one up. I feel like if I do, that'll just be proving to myself that I can't handle anything long term. I know that I'm terrrided of commitment, but I like pretending that I can get over my fears.

"I saw something that reminded me of you and my throat caught fire."


I..Don't quite know where to start. Told myself that I was going to start talking to people instead of a computer screen, but old habits never die. 
Been in the hospital for a few days. My liver was quitting me, but you know. At this point, everything is casual. 
I've lost a shit ton of weight. I can feel myself slipping back into my eating disorder again but honestly, I'm not concerned. It's like putting on an old favorite sweater-
God this is fucking tragic.
I've got scars all over my body that'll never go away. I've tried to kill myself six times in the past month, I haven't slept in 4 days, I've eaten 300 calories in the past 35 hours. 
And I don't care. 
See- I've gotten so damn good at seeing how great things will be in a couple years and on. So damn good at 'setting goals'. And I'll make them, all of them. I always do. The years are no big deal, it's the minutes I can't handle. 
Which is why I'm going mad.

I skimmed through my last post, which was back a few months ago. Paul and I are together, still together. Happy, and whatnot. 

Does it really matter. It does not. 

"Nobody feels like an adult, it's the world's best kept secret."


I haven't slept in four days. I refused to speak to anyone on Valentine's Day. It just wasn't worth the effort. 
Anthony showed up at my house at 2 in the morning on Saturday. He wanted to hook up and the whole time I wanted to die. I want to die, I want to die. I couldn't do it. I couldn't give in to him again. So we sat. We sat and he stared at me and his eyes were so empty and I want to die. He told me to trust him, I told him I knew of no such thing as trust. I can't trust anyone. I can't trust me.
He didn't leave in till 8. 
I can't sleep in my bed anymore. All I can see is him sitting there, just staring at me. It's eating me alive, I can't stay in this room anymore. If I sleep, it will be on the couch downstairs. 
Paul has been talking to me for the past three days. He's into me and I'm into him, but god damn he is so innocent. I feel like I'm going to ruin him. But he's infatuated with me and I never learned how to properly pronounce the word 'no', so now I get to deal with the issues of talking to a senior like this. 
Maybe I should shave my head, move to France, and become a mute. I think that's what would work. 
On a different note, I entered this national poetry contest a while ago. I got the results last week or so. Out of 7,000, I was ranked as number 37. Which is huge and I'm crazy proud.
Damn shame I haven't been able to write lately.
Alas, it is a never ending war.
"At some point you pull the band-aid off and it hurts, but you're relieved it's over."

To promote because I can:
I wrote and published a book. The title is Golden Tr(age)dy, it's available on Amazon, make sure you put in the ( ) when you type it in or you'll never find it. It essentially revolves around the idea that for the perfect disaster, or the golden tragedy, comes an equally golden age. So yeah, please check it out, it's helping pay for my college tuition. Thanks.


Well it happened. Exactly what everyone said would happen, happened. My life has become an after school special and that is the most stupid thing on the planet. Everyday is slowly morphing into a representation of everything I hate. The boys, the heartbreak, the drama. Fuck no. 
So Anthony, we can begin there. I got a call yesterday from a guy I don't know too well. We've talked a couple times and he's nice enough. He sent me screenshots of his conversation with the girl Anthony cheated on me with. She was pissed, heartbroken, disgusted, and proud. Oh, she was so proud of it. As soon as she had proven he was always hers, she immediately goes off on what a scumbag he is. I, full of the wisdom of what an ass he is, have accepted this long ago. Unfortunately, I have already forgiven him. I do not know how. Because it is impossible for me to plea that he accidently got in her pants, and her the same. But here I am, not angry. Not at all. And that scares me so much. I'm just hurt. I keep thinking it's all my fault. But that's what happens, isn't it? I gave him all of me. I kept giving and giving in till now there is nothing left. But that was not enough, I was not enough. I haven't slept at all, haven't eaten anything. I can't stop thinking about it. Did he think of me when he kissed her? I can't get the fucking image out of my head and it's driving me insane and I just want to curl up and rot and die and quit. I want to quit so badly. There is nothing for me here, this series of unfortunate events that have composed themselves of the past 3 months is fates way of telling me it doesn't want me here. I understand it now. So now I'm taking comfort that in 7 years, every cell in my body will be replaced. In 7 years, I will have a body he has not touched.
"I'll burn your name into my throat, I will be the fire that will catch you."

Golden Tr(age)dy

Hello all, as many of you know I have been working hard to get my book published the past couple of months. The day has finally come! You can find and hopefully purchase my book on by simply searching Golden Tr(age)dy. The funds are going towards college for myself. 
You can find a description of the novel on Amazon, but I thought I'd give a little explanation. As a disclaimer, the book is very dark and somewhat graphic. The purpose of the novel is to take things such as eating disorders, rape, self harm, suicide, substance abuse, toxic relationships, and explore these subjects further than just labeling them as 'bad'. It is in no way encouraging these behaviors, however it looks at them from the viewpoint of a person struggling with them. The book is designed essentially as a journal of the main character. There is a plot line, story, setting, characters, etc, however there are also many poetic aspects incorperated into the book itself. The purpose of the book is not to provide people with words about depressing topics. The idea of the book that for the perfect disaster, or the golden tragedy, of a persons life, that out of that, can come an equally golden age. It maps out the main character's issues and how she learns to deal with them in a realistic way. There are mistakes, there are relapses, just as there are in real life. The purpose was to shed a light on the things that are a reality for a lot of people. 

Thank you so much for the amazing support I have gotten on here. I appreciate it more than you know. My inbox is always open if anyone has questions, wants to talk about anything, whatever you need. 
But please, please, at least go check it out, spread the word.
Again, thank you.
The link to it can be found here:


Cold Coffee

First of all, I'm quite excited despite everything. My book, Golden Tr(age)dy, will be available on Amazon within the next week and I will have a hard copy in my hands in about the same time. I'm thinking I'll make a post dedicated to it once that day comes, explaining the book and everything else. But if you're already interested/ have any questions, please feel free to message me. 
I have to say, I'm extremely proud of myself. I have always wanted to write a book but that felt like something I'd do in many years. But here we are. People in my life have found out about it and they are all completely supportive and excited. It's honestly the best feeling in the world. I just hope it goes well.

As for my personal life, I was at the hospital today. For myself and then my sister is there as well. She's relapsed again and her organs are basically shutting down. So I have that to deal with. Mostly, I am numb. I am so numb and it is the most terrifying thing. But then I cry, I cry as if I will never be able to stop and sometimes I wonder if I can. 
Anthony and I are failing. Which isn't a shock. I yelled at him today. It was just for a second. He kept apologizing and I told him to stop. We haven't talked since. 
He said he wanted to see me tomorrow.
I told him okay.

It's all my fault anyway.
I didn't let him do this damn wrist check. 

He decided to do 'wrist checks', to make sure I haven't cut. At first I was kind of okay with it, but I felt like an animal, going through inspection or something. What happens if he saw new ones? What if he saw gashes, the reminents of last night? 
I can not sit here and think that he cares when he reaches for my wrists before he says he loves me. Before he asks how I'm doing. Before he says hello.

I am not crazy.

I think.

"Perhaps the fact that I chased a boy who ripped me to shreds says a lot more about me than it does about him."

Thanks For Leaving the Light On

Well it's been over a month. My laptop sort of ruptured and the holidays were among us. I actually went somewhere warm over new years. I went to this huge party an old friend of mine was hosting. It was about 800 people and I just danced like it was my job. 
Anthony and I haven't spoken for almost two weeks. He's going through something (I'm guessing) but I'm going to see him on Wednesday. I wrote him a book for Christmas. He cried. It was nice. But besides that, everything's really bad. He doesn't know me at all. 
I'm trying to be okay with that.
But anyway, I'm almost done with the book. I'd like it to be out there by the end of the month if everything goes as planned. I have the cover done and majority of the text. I'm sort of at war with myself on whether or not I'm going to tell anyone I know that it's out.
Probably not. I can't deal with my friends walking around reading my book.
That's just..No.
But yeah. While I was on my trip, at the party, a couple of photographers really liked me and they are paying for me to go to modeling school. Which is neat I guess. Really cool of them though. I'm just worried about my ED, to be honest.
That's what my next book is going to be about, I've decided. I wrote the introduction a couple days ago.
But yeah, that and poetry. Been writing a shit ton of that. It's on my wordpress ( if anyone's interested. 
But yeah. Book soon. Please buy? 
Glad to be back though.

"Now you look at me like I'm a crime scene."


Well, we aren't doing very well right now. To put it frankly, Jack died on the 1st. He was cremated the second. And it hurts. So bad. 
I had to go to the hospital because I had a nervous breakdown and fainted and I didn't wake up for about an hour. I think a part of me was hoping I wouldn't wake up. I have cuts all over me and I cry all the time. But I keep telling myself that I can't stop going. If I stop then I will never start again. 
I started working on my book again tonight. We just did about a page and a half, but we're going. I'm going to go on a run tomorrow. 
I can't stop. I just can't. 
I have solos and performances to play and things to write.

I'm meeting Milon in person tomorrow. She's coming to my performance. 

Anthony is good. Really good actually. He's really worried about me, but I literally started crying when I was with him yesterday. I've never done that before. And he saw the cuts, that freaked him out. But he's being supportive and we'll get through this, I hope.

I just...Need to keep reminding myself to keep going. If I stop, I'll never start up again.

"One day someone will hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together."


So I figured I'd finally do the big blog post. Except it probably won't be that big because frankly, I can't remember half of the things I plan to say. So essentially, everything is coming together and falling apart all at the same time.
I haven't written. It hurts too much. 
Christmas is less than a month away. It's only been two years and I still miss him and it hurts to write about him, hurts to remember. They say to write in till all the pain is gone, but what happens when writing is the pain?
Sort of had a breakdown last night. 
See, there was so much blood..and she was having seizures, and the blood was all over me and I didn't know what to do. So I called 911, the lady on the phone told me I was calm, my head agreed, but my heart told me differently. She was hardly conscious and she asked me how school was going. What do I do with that.
The ambulance came so then I was left alone. I called Trey and I cried. I didn't mean to, but there was so much blood..
I'm not sleeping again. The last time was over a month. And then I slept normally for about a week or so. And now I can't sleep. Too scared.
But uh, saw Anthony today. It was nice. We're trying to patch things up for good this time. I like where it's all going.
See, nobody understands why I keep giving him second chances. Hell, I lost track of all the 'second' chances I've given him. 
But the thing is, I see myself in him. I see myself in him as if I was looking into the mirror and the reflection was me a couple years ago. He's lost and he's broken. Hell, I don't know where everyone else gets their fancy philosophy's but I was taught that when something is broken, you fix it. You don't throw it away, you don't give up on it. You fix it. 
So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm reminding myself to be patient with him, I tell myself he doesn't mean the things that he says. He tells me that, too. And just, seeing him smile, like a real smile, and being the cause of that, is worth all of it. 
He is the sort of person you want to give the world and everything in it.
I played first chair in Chamber Orchestra today. It went really well. Nailed the solo, the director was surprised I knew it.
It's such a beautiful piece, how could I not?
Anyways, we're sort of trudging on. Taking one thing at a time, because that's honestly the only way we're going to get through this. I've got marks and scars all over me, but hey, none of them are terribly new.
One step at a time.
I think I'll make some tea, and tomorrow, I will write.
"A diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well."

Jet Plane

So, this will be a quick one because I need to write.

Essentially, the novel is going well, we're at 21,000 words, 100 pages. 

And I might have found a publisher, so fingers crossed! 

I'll post an obnoxious amount of things when it's finished, regarding information.

But yeah- hopefully it gets read.

Anywho, Jack's having a schizophrenic breakdown and kind of fell apart last night, got his brain to fucking bleed, so now he's in a coma.

Silently falling apart over that.

We're playing Christmas music in Orchestra. 

Anthony almost forgot my name today.

I'll make an actual blog post eventually, be patient, buy milk, thank you. 

"Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?"


So uh, that novel though. 

We have reached 14,500 words, 72 pages, and a very happy Shannon. 

I've been talking to Trey about my progress. He told me he was proud of me. I smiled at that. I sent him a recording of this song I've been working on for cello. He said that was good, too. I don't think he gets how big this is for me. 

But uh, Milon and I have been looking at ways to get it published, but I'll keep everyone posted about that. And if you'd like to buy it then uh, that'd be really fantastic and amazing and I'd be really happy. 

Oh and uhm, she's coming to visit! She's spending nine hours on a bus to come and see my next concert and finally meet me and just I cried when she told me and I cried when I told everyone about it. 

My sister posted on my wall on facebook. We kind of found her. She's in the hospital, detoxing. Again. But basically, it was a song by Hinder, What ya gonna do, or something to that affect. The comment started with, "So I know I'm probably dead to you.."

I cried at that, too. 

It was because I didn't call. I was supposed to call but I didn't call because I was anxious and nervous and I'm too much of a coward to call my fucking sister because I'm scared I won't be good enough anymore and that she'll hurt me even more. 

Milon told me she idolizes me. I told her I eat lunch in the library and that's a bad idea.

So there's a scandal with Anthony. He's doing this Spanish project and he's in a group and one of my best friends happen to be in that group. So uh, he didn't do his part and she got to work and do it for four hours today. Anthony's failing Spanish now. And today's her birthday.

I sent her a message on tumblr at midnight and she said it made her cry. I apologized and she said it was a good cry. Well, okay. If she says so.

But honestly I am so embarrassed about all of this. Him and I aren't really speaking because he doesn't have his phone and frankly we're falling apart. I don't want to see him tomorrow.

Maybe I could just run away to Italy or something? 

"Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. They'll drop it every time."


So uh, I wrote 10,000 something words in 7 days. Hoping to reach the better part of it by midnight-ish. I'm piecing together my story, let me tell you. Revisiting the things I've gone through in such detail is painful. I've had to stop writing because I'm crying. But we must continue. 
I ended up seeing Anthony, last Sunday. He didn't notice the cuts. We went on a walk together. At one point, we weren't speaking. He was listening to music and I was trying to figure out what part of the sky was the darkest blue. He laughed at me for that. It was..Nice. 
My parents openly hate him though, it's sort of funny and I'm not surprised.
And my friends. And anyone important to me. 
He plays screamo while I try to write. He turns it up when I ask him to turn it off. It's complicated. 
I find myself pushing away. He's very..touchy feely. And I'm not. At all. 
And he doesn't understand me, at all. But that's okay too. Because he needs me and I sort of need him. 

Haven't slept in around 18 days. Give or take a few, fuck if I know anymore.

Trey and I are talking again. Still not sure what to do about that. Kind of stresses me out, but it's nice to talk to someone who understands what's important to me. 

Sliced up the wrists again. Anthony grabbed 'em and I almost cried. He didn't notice.

"But what do you feel?"

"If Only"

I am surrounded by people and yet I still manage to feel completely isolated. 
Today is the first day of November. I'm writing a novel in the month of November. 50,000 words, 200 pages. In 30 days. I told myself I'd get it made into an actual book if I can do it. I wrote 2,000 words today. I suppose that's something. I'll probably be up writing in till..tomorrow. I haven't slept in a while. I stopped counting the days because I get them confused with the nights. 
I went to a party tonight. Got to be a heartbreaker. Red lipstick that puts the fear of God in a man's heart..Sort of thing. There were people that I didn't know that knew me. Got my picture taken a lot. Got some interested photographers..whatever. I don't even care anymore.
I didn't drink or anything.
I am proud of myself. Sort of.
I don't think I'm seeing Anthony this weekend, so I cut up my stomach. It hurts a lot worse then it should. But that's alright. 
My sister's missing. Again.
I randomly start crying because I'm so stressed out about everything.
I just need someone to tell me it's okay.
Lie to me, I don't care. 
Just don't leave me alone anymore. 

I looked in the mirror and decided I completely hated myself. I broke another mirror. I feel like I should stop doing that. But maybe there just shouldn't be any mirrors that I have to look into.
Played cello.
That was the nice part of my day.
I'm just tired. But I can't sleep. Too nervous. No one to talk to at night. I can't sleep alone, so I just won't sleep at all. 

Send help.

"This is hell and we can't leave."


In tears, in vodka, in the cold, unforgiving water of the lake near my house.
Drowning in my doubts, my fears, the ache for you.
It's getting close to when Kevin died. I spent this evening and last night at the lake. I have frost bite and I haven't stopped shaking in the past hour and my lips are blue and I just want to be held. 
Anthony called.
I was crying.
He didn't notice.
I did my first open mic night a couple nights ago. I read one of my poems and did an improv poem, which is basically you standing up and talking and hoping it sounds poetic. People stood up when they clapped for me. A couple people cried. And everyone wanted to talk to me. It was the best thing that's happened to me in a long fucking time.
I've been playing cello a lot..Nothing's changed there I suppose.
I had to go to the hospital after school today. I'm still dying. Had to get more shots. I'm thinking about taking my medication again. But I'm hoping things will get better and then I'll take 'em. Because right now I really don't see the point.
Lost more weight.
Still hate myself.
Broke another mirror.
Lips are still blue.
Fell down the stairs again.
Still hurts.
"Please check in. Please don't give up on me quite yet."


It's a Monday. I can definitely feel it. Yesterday was..Eventful. I spent a good eight hours with Anthony. Because if I'm mad and not trusting him, that's obviously the logical thing to do, of course. We listened to music, and kissed, and we watched the Great Gatsby. He didn't get it. He tried..He just repeats one of my favorite lines to me every now and then. I don't think he knows how much this disappoints me. I helped him with his math homework. I talked to his dad about a problem we didn't understand and then I figured it out and just..Felt really successful and needed for a moment. Anthony told me I was beautiful. Said he loved me. Said Always. He thinks I don't believe him. I don't believe in always anymore; I am not that foolish. I can feel it in my bones that he isn't telling the truth about something. It just..doesn't all add up.
But anyway, I came home and no one was here. No one is ever here.
Richie came over because I asked him to.
And then this guy Damian shows up at my door, I'm assuming just to scream at me, and he ended up punching me. There was so much blood so I broke his nose. I feel really bad about that. Apparently Richie told Anthony, who proceeded to appropriately get all territorial as if he actually cared and tell Connor. Richie told him I could take care of myself. That, I can. But then I found out that Anthony ruined my friend and his girlfriend's relationship because he was flirting with her and she fell for him. I was mad then.
I was with Anthony in the hallway today and she passed by. He made a point of saying hello and smiling and everything. He made a point to stop holding my hand.
I was mad then..I don't have a word for now.
But that's the thing, I'm not angry. Slightly bitter, maybe. But it's not a shock. I just..God I don't fucking care anymore. It was bound to happen anyway, I'm not good enough for him.
I just wish he'd stop trying so damn hard to make me fall in love with him.
He said he needed me.
She needs him.
I don't need anyone. I'm already past the point of being saved. I've become apathetic.
And that's the worst part.
So Niko has started talking to me, confessing his undying love, yes after all this time, etc. Emily talked about it while Anthony was right there. She said she's going to keep doing that in till he stops being so..complicated. I'm not stopping her.
But of course now he's being all sweet and lovely. He called me his 'beautiful angel'. I told him not to call me that. He didn't respond.
I need to fix things..I really do.
Get my shit together or whatever the kids do now a days.
"Eyes. Those damn eyes fucked me forever."


I don't quite know what to tell you, I don't know what to say, and I don't quite know what you're wanting to hear. I've seemed to have lost my words. 
Well, I'm officially back in the business. Had my first shoot today, the pictures will be published. They were black and white and haunting and really fit everything. I was decently proud I guess. Got two hundred. Sending it to Jack.
There's too many people in love with me.
Anthony's possibly actually cheating on me. I told him I didn't even care anymore if he was or wasn't. It's just losing one more thing. I've lost my sanity, I'll just throw everything else away. Took a bunch of pills last night. Richie told me to not do that anymore. 
It was the fourth time this week.
But we can't tell people about that. Because I'm supposed to be doing great. Supposed to be helping little kids learn music, have a 4.0, and a perfect relationship.
I can't be fourteen pounds underweight. I can't cry everyday. I can't be hiding dozens of cuts under my shirt. I can't be taking pills to make me numb every night. I can't be relapsing. I can't be spiraling down so quickly.
I can't do anything anymore.
I told Trey to stay away from me today, over text, because he never showed up last night. I wasn't mad last night. But that kinda upset me. And when I say kinda I mean a lot. So I said a lot of words that I didn't mean, acted angry, even thought I stopped giving a shit a while ago. It just upsets me because Anthony's so upset about it. He might be cheating. Honestly, I don't even blame him. I wouldn't be good enough for me either. I told Trey I wasn't scared of him anymore. But I guess that's a lie too, because I'm still shaking, hours later. 
Anthony and I are supposed to spend tomorrow together. I wish I could just sleep. It's been eleven days. He said we're going to watch The Great Gatsby together, because he knows it's my favorite. And I'll just sit there, thinking about how his mother compliments him more then I do, and how she's probably prettier then me or whatever. Just like last time. 
Didn't eat today. 
I don't think it's food that will fill this empty space inside of me. 
Asking for help, to people that aren't listening. Saying I don't need it, to the people that are.
"And I should have crashed the car the night I drove alone."


God dammit. 

God dammit.

God dammit.

I saw Anthony today. We've had a really bad week because, well I'll get to that. But basically, he just randomly showed up at my house and told me I was coming home with him and that was that. We tried to carve a pumpkin and it didn't work very well, so we listened to music and kissed. He figured out I didn't like people touching my neck. He thought it was his fault. He confessed that he could count my ribs. I think he thinks that's his fault, too.
He told me he loved me again.
That's his fault.

I've lost more weight. I'm always cold. I'm not taking my meds. I had to get twelve shots yesterday. Took some tests. Results weren't good.

Still dying.

You know.

But let me tell you about the scandal.

So I was skyping Anthony and Trey sent me a message on kik, telling me to be careful. He eventually confessed that there were a couple of rumors floating around that Anthony got to second with a girl two days before we became official, and that him and this girl, Nora, who doesn't like me, and him were seen making out at this restaurant and when it was over he said, I shouldn't do that again, I love Shannon. 
And my reaction...Surprised me.
I started crying.
Not like...Inconsolable crying, it was..hurt. All this hurt. All at once. 
Anthony told me it looked like someone slapped me in the face and that I was trying to disappear and that it broke his heart.
So he asked what was going on. I eventually told him what I heard, but I wouldn't tell him who I heard it from.
While I'm telling him the story, he's apologizing. He then denies it happening.
Now at first I thought that was really fishy. But he was crying and just..I don't always know when people are lying to me, but I know when they aren't.
And the thing is- I found out that the rumor was actually that the girl was from a different high school, the one that Trey could so easily describe to me as Nora, goes to our school. 
Also- he told one of my best friends that he made a bet on Anthony and I's relationship. Which he knows I despise. 
I confronted him about it- he confessed he made it up to see if he could trust her or not.

She's one of my best friends. Of course she tells me everything. He's stupid- but not that stupid.

Fishy. Really fucking fishy.

So basically tomorrow I'm going to act like I have the nerve to confidently confront him and ask him about it, tell him to stay out of my business, and depending on things go, possibly punch him in the face.
But basically, I just want to get the facts straight and tell him to stay out of my life with things like this. And to not spread shit. And to not play games. 
I hate when people play games with me.

But anyways, I decided, after I fell down the stairs and everyone stared at me, that I was done having a shitty week so I'm actually decently happy. 

I've just got all these cuts, a hazy memory, and a list of mistakes.

But I'm decently happy.  

That's something..right?

"I hope it fucking haunts you forever that you caused the scars on someone else's skin."


Well, being honest, I haven't posted in over a week because the last time I did, Trey and I got in a fight over it. He told me I shouldn't post things publically if I didn't want them to be read. So I shut up for awhile. Filled two notebooks with writing while I was at it though... But last night he messaged me and apologized. I didn't let myself respond right away because I told myself I didn't care. And then I told him I hardly remembered what happened. And yes, I forget a lot of things, but I don't forget things that make me cry.
So I tried to get away from it all and I'm in New York right now. And the city is gorgeous. The people are gorgeous. Everything is so gorgeous. I had three people ask to take their picture with me today. I have no idea why, but..It's just so fun. It is so damn fun. And right now I can hear the road rage below, I'm looking at the miles of lights, each one containing it's own little story..And I'm happy. I'm happy but I'm alone. I'll have to admit, it's nights like these that I start thinking too much...
I was with Anthony yesterday night. He told me he loved me, and he was shaking, and honestly it was sweet. It was the sweetest thing. And then he was tickling me because..i don't quite know why, but it's Anthony and that reason makes perfect sense, but he saw the cuts on my stomach. He didn't say anything but he had to have seen them. But he kissed me and he told me i was beautiful to him. And then we just sat in each others arms, we didn't speak, we didn't have to. There was just this understanding. I've missed that.
But then why do I feel so alone...
Something's missing, still. And god it kills.

"I've got this box of butterflies from the time I first saw her, most of em are still alive, but, I think these belong to you."

Madly. Truly. Deeply.

God, where the hell do I even begin.

So Millon and my sister are back together, insert a giant what the fucking hell.

Millon mentioned that we could all be a family and I got all uncomfortable and told her I wasn't really one for the whole family thing. Obvious reasons are obvious, moving on.

I've started cutting again, which I'm not proud to say. Especially because I told Anthony I'd try and stop. But I guess everything's just one giant disappointment, huh?

I have at least a dozen on my back, around five on my stomach, three on my wrists, and four on my thighs.

Took a shower, almost bled out. Got to spend last night at the hospital.

While I was there, I got That...hurts. So bad.

And I don't know quite how to say it without just slamming it on the table.

There's a good chance that I'll never be able to get pregnant.

Now I won't go into details because that's just not how I'm gonna do things. But yeah..I found out a couple hours ago and I'm just crying. I'm crying and I can't stop.

I mean, yeah, I might have not ever wanted a kid, but still..what if I did. What if things changed, what if I got my shit together someday and had a family. I mean, could you imagine that?  A fucking family. 

But no. I mean, yeah I know I could adopt or some shit if I'm ever 30 and lonely. But just..I mean, ladies you understand this. You don't feel like a lady. You feel like a thing, a statistic. A probability problem. One part genetics, three parts pain. 

Things are sliding into a deep hole and I don't know what to do with myself. 

Anthony called me and I was crying and now he keeps asking what it is and I can't just lie about everything anymore, I'm so sick of doing it. But god, how do you just casually talk about that? You don't. Ever.
God. I just need to talk to someone. Before I completely lose it.

"I know I have lost."

Continue, Please.

So it goes. Again.
I'm going on a road trip this weekend, to a college football game and a motel. 
Which should be nice.
And then on Sunday, I'm going to be performing a uh, divine intervention. 
You see, Anthony told me that he's falling out of love with music. And yeah, maybe that isn't a huge deal, and the world isn't going to end, yes. But mine will. Because he'll lose that passionate fascination in his eyes when he talks about it. And that simply can not happen. And you know how I told him how he's the sort of person you'd want to give the world and everything in it? I'm sticking to that. So on Sunday, after a six hour car ride, I'm going to be sitting with him, listening to music, in till he gets that passion back. 
Maybe this won't work. But maybe it will. And it's that maybe that we've got to depend on.
Oh, and he held my hand today. Insert one of those giggly squeal sounds here. 
But I went to this field hockey game today with some friends of mine because my other friends are on the team and it was cool. Like, we were all sitting there and talking and laughing and it was this sense of belonging. That feeling was the best, I just want to have it all of the time. 
And I was on the bus today, just looking out the window. And I was listening to the song Scars by Papa Roach, and everything was just simply golden. And I remember thinking to myself, it is times like these that make me want to keep walking, to keep trudging on through all of this complete shit. 
So yeah, just a happy thought there.
And I was making more friends in chamber today. We ate pancakes.
I'm just..Trying to get excited about everything again. 
And..I know that I slip and fall, a lot. But that's not the point, you know? The fact of the matter is is that I have to get up again in till I can walk, one foot in front of the other, and only trip sometimes.
"Go all the way with it. Do not back off. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters."

1-20 of 174 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Returning, Take Two., posted July 31st, 2014
Returning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
1-50 of 175 Blog Posts   

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