bigeyesseemore's Blog

I can feel myself faltering with my recovery from all of this. The worst part is, I don't care. I really don't. I'm so tired, I'm so anxious all the time, I can't think straight, I can't remember people. I'm getting bad again.
I have finals tomorrow and Thursday for math.
I studied a ton.
See, last night I stood up to my dad for the first time in a long time. He was going on, telling me I was stupid and worthless, how I'll never get into college, go to California, the works.
And I looked at him and I told him,
It is not my problem if you want me to be stuck at some stupid desk job like you. You know what? I'm smarter than that, I have more to offer than that. I'm better than you and your shit. You call this a life? Look around you. This is a fucking joke. You will never stop me from leaving, and once I do, I'm never turning back. I don't need you and I never will.
And it just kept going on like that. He kept telling me how it would never work and as I turned to leave my mom looked at him and said,
Well I hope your happy. You just tried to crush your daughter's dreams, unsuccessfully, and now she's probably going upstairs to have a nervous breakdown. You are a monster.
And then my dad left the house and I haven't seen him since.
Tonight I performed with the high school chamber orchestra. It was amazing, better than I thought it'd be. Everyone was so sweet and I felt so comfortable and everything. I'm happy my dad wasn't there. He couldn't appreciate what we can do even if it hit him square in the face, and that's sad. 
But yeah, that's it. 
Today was lukewarm.
"Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes."

I'm sick out of my mind. So I have to go to the doctor's tomorrow. I'm really hoping their not going to make me go to the hospital, but it's a lot worse then I've been saying it is. So it's a possibility. 
But this entire week...it's been insane. And it's only Wednesday. I have ACT's going on right now. So that's enough to make you wanna kill yourself. But pile on two projects, an orchestra competition, three concerts, the market, teaching, finals next week, my health, and the human race, it's more then enough reason to never want to move ever again and live in a cardboard box for the rest of my life. 
Unfortunately though, I've been told that that isn't an option. 
As for the human race, I got Jack's jacket in the mail a couple days ago. I'm so thrilled. I've missed him so much since he moved to Iceland and it's great having a part of him here. Having it next to me is the next best thing. 
Trey and I are doing pretty good. I feel kind of bad that I can't really focus on everything he's saying, mostly because I feel so bad, but partly because I really just don't have an interest in most of the things he's in to. A lot of people would say that's a bad thing, but we don't hate each other yet, so that's good enough for me.  But don't get me wrong, we're actually doing pretty good. Contrary to popular belief, we get along pretty well. And I like him. So I think I'll let him stick around.
But speaking of sticking around, Nick decided to remember my existence today. He's talking to me as if he was like..my significant other or something. It's honestly kind of bothering me, especially because I don't want to completely  ruin everything with Trey. He keeps talking about us hanging out and asking for kisses. I keep telling him no. I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to hanging out, but just as friends. He kind of missed his chance. By a lot.   And I'm really scared that he'd get bored of me, if we actually did take this farther. 
I've already got someone who values me anyway. And if Trey and I don't work out either, then I'll do what I want again. 
But hopefully that won't happen. Because I kinda like what we've got going here. 
Don't get me wrong though. my main focus is improving myself right now. 
I want to be happier, focused, and reach my full potential. 
Which sounds insanely cheesy. So disregard that entirely.
But I've been thinking about high school and how next year is going to be insane.
So I want to work on these things so I don't completely fail school. Because believe it or not, I'd love to have straight A's and be this amazing student and everything. It's like this huge goal for me. Because I've got these ideas, that I think people might want to hear, it's just actually saying them that's my problem.
On a different note, I was at the lake this morning at around 5 or so, and I was watching the sunrise and it was truly wonderful.
It gave me some encouragement.
Which is odd. Because when you're sitting alone next to a grave st 5 in the morning, you don't really think of encouragement. But I at least like to think that I've got something bigger than 'average' to bring to the world. I don't know what it is, or if I even have it, or any of that. But it's a hope.

"Stop and stare, you start to wonder why you're here and not there."

It all hurts so much. So fucking much.
I've been so stressed out lately. I had a breakdown last night. All these flashbacks and my schizo and just..everything. I don't remember what happened after very clearly, but I don't think I wanna know. 
But I didn't sleep. Obviously.
The cuts hurt way too much when I lay down. 
But I was thinking, and I remember Trey telling me he really liked soft skin, because his isn't exactly the best. 
And as I was thinking about that, it kind of dawned on me. 
Why me then?
I've got all these scars and cuts and everything. 
I mean when it comes to self harm, you name it, I've done it.
I've got cuts all down my stomach and my back, burn marks on my collar bone and on my forehead.
What is he doing looking at me for?
But I've been trying not to think about that.
And last night I thought he told me that he had cut himself for the first time, and I couldn't stop shaking. I was just..so upset. And I didn't even know if that was what he meant.
But I can't lose him. I just can't.
Not after everything else, and I can't have him self harming.
But he then told me that wasn't what he meant.
And he promised he wouldn't.
He promised.
He then later asked me, that if I wanted to stop so badly, why didn't I?
And I just...
I wish it was that simple.
I'd love to not have these scars, these cuts, and this weight on me.
But it didn't work out that way.

But yeah, I've been really stressed and my grandma is here and she hates me. Like, she literally hates me.
Which just makes everything worse.
But I'm trying.

"Money's just paper. But it affects people like poetry."

I knew this would come. I knew it. I just wouldn't let myself believe it, wouldn't let anyone help me, wouldn't hope that anyone could stop it. This is inevitable. And I'm not even disappointed anymore. A few weeks, that's all I have left in me, before I completely break down. It all piles up and just crushes me. Something microscopic sits on top of a precarious pile that's already swaying. This is what trips me up. What causes the domino effect, so I'll feel every little instance that I blew off. 
Richie called. He asked if I was going to do this project, it's where you have to count your self harm scars. I said yes. I began counting. We got to 80. I paused.
He asked if I was done.
And I snapped.
I made a slash and told him 81.
Made another, and another and another.
Now were at 95.
Decorated in red and white, the healed and the bleeding. Artfully scattered across me, down my arms, down my torso, across my back, slashed across my legs. Every surface is scarred.
I don't care anymore.
I told everyone that I don't care, that I was done, and to leave me alone.
I'm going down and I don't want to bring anyone with me.

"I'm fine in the fire, I feed on the friction. I'm right where I should be. Don't try and fix me." 

It's been a big couple of days, I'll be honest.
I had the first good day in a long time. 
But that's not what I want to celebrate on. I'm feeling very...brave.
This is a strange thing for me, because I am many things but brave is usually not one of them.

But that writing competition I was telling you about, I went to the finalists thing last night. And I didn't get fiction, which is good with me. But I did win poetry. 
As this lady was talking, she was explaining all the different people that had read the entries. Like dozens, from all over.
And six of us got called up for poetry. And I won it. So she was standing as she started explaining. She said that it was gripping or something like that. I can't really remember because I was about to pass out. But she was like, this was written about someone who had resorted to self harm.
And I was standing there, and the scars on my thighs were showing, for everyone to see. My wrists were just..out there..
I felt like I was standing there naked. 
And she begins to read.
This is what she read from it, it was just the beginning, 
Shut your eyes tight, 
Tell yourself its all alright,
Clench your fists until they feel as if they could burst,
You remember when you had to do this first,
Your eyes soon reach their fill,
The tears begin to spill.
Brace yourself for what's yet to come,
Will leave you feeling physically numb.
Quick, before you get that feeling in your gut,
Reach for something you can cut.
Lets count to 10.

She stopped then. Which is a miracle because I then list the top 10 reasons I cut myself.
But she got the point across.

I looked up and I couldn't tell what my parents were doing.

 But the entire audience just stared at me. 

I think it was quiet, but I don't know. All I could hear was my heart beat.

I took the plaque, and I sat down.


This was huge for me. Huge. Maybe it really wasn't a big deal, but to be able to stand up there and kind of keep my head up as she read my words, was a big deal.

So I feel brave.
"My lack of faith in this beautiful life, my knowing of it taunts me...Lay awake at night, cry, you know it's not alright, to know your feeling into nothing. You can learn to fly."

I kind of smiled when I saw that today was 20 days. That's something, right? Almost three weeks. That'll be tomorrow.
I've been pretty good actually. Except for that night, I kinda passed out and hit my head on the counter. That part isn't that 'pretty good'. So my head's been kind of off, been getting a lot of flashbacks and I can't focus for very long. But besides that, I think I'm alright. 
I'm kind of happy that Trey kind of forgot about it. Or at least I think he did. He was all on energy drinks (which is something he never does) when I told him. So I don't think he really understood. Which is good. I don't want him worrying or fussing about it, I want to keep him happy. Because we always talk on Skype before I go to sleep, and it's wonderful when he starts talking. He'll just go on and on and he gets this look in his eyes, it's so innocent and full of emotion. I love it. But I never tell him, because I'm so scared he'll never do it again.
But those are the moments I'd do anything for.
Today as a whole though was nice. School went by pretty quickly and nothing exceptionally bad happened. I had to teach bass tonight which is always so fun. I love teaching him, he's so enthusiastic about things and he doesn't stop in till he's got it, but he's not afraid to ask for help. I see myself in him, except with him there is so much potential. It's such an honor to get to introduce him to the passion and the feeling of good music. It excites me and lifts my mood so much. I've honestly been kind of down, but just seeing this light in his eyes, and knowing I'm helping to cause that, means so much to me. He's going to do a solo at his concert which I'm helping with, it's way above what they're teaching in school. It's a challenge, but I know he'll get it. He said he wanted me to go to his concert, which I wouldn't miss for the world.
Things are good though. I can honestly say that.
"A beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waste."

You know what? Today was really nice. I mean, despite feeling like hell and my family and everything, today was nice. 
I figured out what I'm going to do with my hair, if anyone was wondering. I'm going to dye it dark brown, keep it long, but get my layers and bangs shaped up. My mother told me I was too serious for dark hair, but I think that just really proves how much she doesn't really know me. It all kind of connects, really. Like, say the people at my school would most likely describe me as serious if they didn't really know me. A lot of people would. But I'm happiest around people that I'm comfortable with. And I'm okay with coming off as serious. 
But anyway, I took a big step today. 
I was with Trey and we were watching a movie and now we're official. Dating. An item. Going together. 
I honestly didn't see it happening. I thought we'd eventually drift. But the thing that I wouldn't let myself feel was sadness about that. I would hide the fact that that thought made me sad from myself. 
And it's really nice accepting how much he means to me. Embracing it, feeling it, and loving it. 
I feel like I'm holding myself back from something. But I think about it more, and even if there were other options, I know I'd choose what I have going right now.
He's safe and secure.
And that's what I need. 
I care about him. 
A lot.
And I'm honestly surprised by that. I spend so much time trying to make sure I don't get attached to people, so I won't get hurt when they leave. But here we are. 
Now I'm not saying this is going to be easy. There's going to be times where I'll just want to walk out. There's going to be times when I just shut down. And there's going to be times when he doesn't realize what he's saying, and we're both going to hurt each other. But the thing is, we made a promise to each other. We would never go to sleep angry with each other. 
A lot of promises to me have been broken, and I've broken my fair share as well. I had started to stop believing in the strength of them. But this is one promise that I have a lot of faith in. 
And I'm going to have to start trusting him. I said yes. I have to trust him. 
It's not just for his happiness, but for mine as well. I want to trust him, I want to be able to depend on him. But I have to let myself. I need to trust that he'll be there when I need him, that he'll listen when I need him to, that he'll talk when I lose my words, and share the silence with me when they aren't needed. 
We were talking just a little while ago, and he asked me what my fantasy was. I simply responded with you. He said that I always knew what he say, but I think he missed what I was really meaning. 
I don't think he understands that when I talk about California, and the symphony, and everything that I've ever wanted, how easily he fits into all of that to me. He is my anchor, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He is the one piece of my past that I don't want to leave behind. 
That alone is enough to trudge through whatever happens.
So here's to a new chapter.
"Pour me out, on the concrete, next to your feet."

Today was honestly a pretty good day. 
I actually just got home, I went ice skating with a friend of mine, Jamie.
We had decided that it'd been a long week and we needed to go out and just have a good time. And that's what we did. We went out, we danced on ice, we made some new friends, and decided we're gonna make this a weekly thing. Which is something to look forward to and to get me through the week. 
I still don't know where exactly Trey and I stand. And I'm still not 100% about anything. But let the chips fall where they may. I''ll just see where it all goes I guess.
I was playing cello today, and it got pretty passionate. I was feeling inspired after I was listening to The Section Quartet (they're completely amazing) and decided that I needed to play. And I'll be honest, that was one of the best times I've ever played. I got so into it.
Just..Thank God for music.
But that was mostly today. Everything's pretty good right in this moment.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why we call it present."

The days are gradually getting better, however this week has been exceptionally lengthy. Trey and I are speaking- er texting. We're supposed to Skype soon, so it's a step. It still kind of bothers me that he still kind of avoids me. But I got a head nod today. I won't push him.
I've been talking to Draman a considerable amount lately. Him and Trey are friends, so it's sort of nice to hear someone else's opinion. But mostly we just skype each other for company. We're both painfully lonely, and we have this unspoken thing where we call each other not to talk, but just to know that someone's there. Which is really nice actually. There isn't the pressure of having to say something, you can just simply be.  
But anyway, thing's are looking up. 
My mom, dad, and I had a decent talk tonight at dinner. A huge improvement from last night. I'm still kind of upset about last night, but it's nice to know that we're at least capable of speaking to each other. Refreshing.

I guess that's kind of it for right now, or at least that's everything important I had to say. I'm pretty sure if I said anything else it'd be considered rambling and I usually don't like when people do that.

:There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find."

Well last night was awful. Today wasn't any better. And tomorrow probably won't be either. 
Trey and I were fighting and we're not speaking again. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. But I'm not, it still hurts.
And to top it all off, I had food poisoning last night and I just didn't sleep. And I had a science test and a math test today. I got tripped. My mother told me I was a waste of space. And I fell down the stairs and I didn't get up for awhile. It just wasn't worth it.
Because it's really just all down hill from here.
I feel terrible. Physically and mentally, I'm just drained. I don't want to move, I feel sick, and I just want to curl up and sleep, but my mind isn't letting me. 
I'm on seven different kinds of medication right now because I've been so stressed out lately. I was at the doctors and he basically told me
"Yeah, this one's so you don't kill yourself. Along with all the others."
That's really where we're at right now.

I talked to my sister today. She asked how I was. I told her I was 'fine'.
She then asked if I was lesbian, and left.

Besides that, I haven't really spoken to anyone.

I tried to talk to Trey, but he didn't respond.

Which I deserve.

I'd love to ask for another chance or something. But we all know that that's just complete crap. I need an infinite amount of 'chances'. I can never just do things the right way. I guess I'll just go get drunk or something. It's not like anyone cares. I'm not even doing this for myself anymore. So why even try?

There is some good news I guess. I'm going to the fourth and final round in this writing competition for both of the pieces I put in. 
A friend of mine's girlfriend is going too and he was telling me how he couldn't wait to go and support her.
I almost started crying.

"I looked at you and hoped you wouldn't forget me. But you didn't look so there was nothing to forget."
 

I'm getting really passionate about the idea of cutting my hair.
Because see, it's not just a haircut. It is a statement. It shows that I have expectations for those around me. 

I was sitting in school today and I realized that almost every girl I saw had long, usually straight hair. And they got a lot of compliments on it, generally by guys. And I did some research. Guys are generally attracted to females with longer hair, this has been traced back to our ancestors.

So, expectation number one. 
If a guy is, well frankly, not a waste of my time, he will be better than the things we evolved from. He will be above human instinct. And he will embrace change and something different. 

Now, I myself have well, long straight hair. And cutting it is going to be a change. I might not even like it. I might not like how I look.
But when have I ever?
The people around me, may not like how I look.
But when have they ever?

So expectation number two,
Embrace that change. Embrace the fact that I look differently and that I have a thing for change.

That's as far as I got. 

I mean of course there's practical reasons, like it takes less time to care for and such. 

Anywho, today pretty much sucked.

I got an A on my math test. But I'm going to fail both a science and  another math test tomorrow.
And I'm not just saying that.

And I didn't sleep last night. My schizo was being..difficult. 

And to make everything better, I spent a half hour on the phone with Trey talking about my body.

And you know what he said?

"I mean, yeah, it can be kind of disappointing..."

If you want a chick with big ta-ta's, leave.
Right now.
You aren't worth my time.
Don't come back.
Shut the door on your way out.
Thanks.

I don't think he really notices the things that he says.
I don't think he realizes the impact those things have on me. 

I mean you know, eating disorders for life guys.
Right.

And he just like..picked my body apart.
And it wasn't even positively.

Like, I just went a long with it. Like, no big deal.

I rolled over and cried a little when all that was over.

I mean, rant concluded, but at least say something nice. You either love all of me and you love none of me. Nothing 'makes up' for something else.

Just,
You can show yourself out.

So I'm sort of pissed about his complete ignorance to the entire subject. But I'm sort of letting it slide not really.

I'll just be pissed, quietly.

Which is a big step for me.


Wearing shorts tomorrow. Decided things couldn't really get any worse.


"And this is dangerous, 'cause I want you so much, but I hate your guts."

It was a mostly uneventful weekend. 
Trey and I spent a lot of time together.
I mowed the lawn, enough to pretend I got a tan,
And I bought gifts for my mother's birthday.

Things are taking their course.

Life is going.


But why does it feel so...unsatisfying?

Like something is missing. I go through the days with this feeling of emptiness just kind of in the middle of me. Like something big is gone, but I don't know what it is. Kind of like that saying where there's an elephant in the middle of the room, but no one is talking about it. Sort of.

I'm thinking about wearing shorts later this week, it's going to be warm. But my cuts are still kind of showing and the marks are defiantly not faded. But then again..it's not like anyone really gives a shit.

And I'm going to get a haircut. Like it's going to be short and have layers and be lots of fun. I'm also thinking of dying it back to brown. 
It'll be a nice change, and a bit of a challenge, I've always had long hair.

Since things have been mostly uneventful, I guess there isn't much to say.

Trey and I aren't exclusive still.

I still have those moments of doubt.

And I kind of wanna jump off a bridge.

Life goes on I guess.

"Maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out."

This has been the longest, most tiring week ever. 
I just want to curl up and sleep for at least three days. 

I got confirmed. 
I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be Catholic. I guess that was sort of decided for me. I mean, I like it, but at the same time I don't agree with a lot of the things that they say. And a lot of the people there kind of freak me out. And I guess I'm not exactly 'proud' when I tell people I'm Catholic. 
I kinda wanted to be Buddhist or something. 
I don't know.
I mean it feels like there's so many obligations. Like, you can't even have sex when you want to. I'm pretty sure that that's my choice. And they're totally against gays and everything. And you have to have a wedding in the church, which is not my plan. 
I suck at being Catholic.

And this entire week we've had standardized tests. And it's really hard for me to focus that long and I just hate them. I don't like having to prove what I can do. I know what I'm capable of doing, I don't see why I need a fancy piece of paper to tell me. 
I always wonder about the people who grade them. Or like the SAT's. Do they not realize that they have the power to make or break somebody? Do they even care?
I mean...
I guess I just don't like tests. Or being tested.

Last night we had an art show, and the jazz band that I'm in played for it. And I thought it went okay. The acoustics in the room were kind of weird, but it was a good time and people seemed to be enjoying it. And like..people were watching. And smiling. And clapping. 
Trey was there, I kept looking up at him, and then I'd loose my place, but it was worth it. 
I don't care if he wasn't usually looking back at me. I don't care that he didn't watch, and that he probably didn't really care. 
The fact that he actually showed up was a big deal.

But then I got home, and not even an hour later, we were fighting. I don't even remember why he was mad. But I basically told him that I didn't like that he was like two people, and I told him that one of those people was everything that I was against, and that I didn't love him, and I told him multiple times that I didn't trust him. I don't. I can't even be in the same room alone with him without freaking out. He kept trying to get me to trust him. I wanted to tell him that that wasn't how to do it, and that he was stressing me out, and that he was scaring me. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that that wasn't Trey. It couldn't be. I don't know who I was talking to, but that couldn't have been him. He scares me when hes mad. 
But in the end, I started crying. And he started apologizing and everything. 
Why does there have to be tears on my cheeks for him to realize that he's hurting me?
I eventually just turned around because I didn't want him to see how hard I was crying. I didn't want him to see all the tears, or that my lip was bleeding from me biting it so much.
Today I wore a sweatshirt because I have little marks from my nails digging into my palms all night.
We haven't spoken to each other since.
And I'm upset, and I'm empty.  

I have orchestra rehearsal tonight, and I don't want to go. 
I don't want to move, and I can't play.

If I can not feel, I can not play.
I am so numb.

It's like everything is silently falling apart, and I'm just waiting for this huge snap.

But I mean, where do I go from here? Landon wanted me and him to hang out this weekend. I was going to tell him no because I thought I was going to see Trey.
I've got to stay strong. If he isn't going to speak to me, then I need to get the message.
He doesn't want me. I'm frustrating and too much to deal with. Of course he doesn't want me. I wouldn't want me. It's best he just forgets about me and finds some pretty girl that can take care of him and smile at his accomplishments. 
I guess.

I feel like if I see Landon, it's like officially saying good bye to Trey. 

I want to make a choice.
I will.

Because I am not sitting here, just because of him. It's not going to happen.

So, I'm going to go and shower, put on some makeup, do my hair,


And completely fall apart as soon as I get home.


"Am I more then you bargained for yet? I've been dying to tell you anything you wanna hear, that's just who I am this week."

Well, I thought I had made some progress. But as you can see, we are at day 3, not at day 28. A few days ago, I fell apart. I was alone. And I was scared.
My mother and I were fighting. And it just got so bad. I don't know why I care so much about the things she says, but I do. And I was literally falling apart. She left and it was just me. And it hit me at that moment, the words I said to Trey a couple weeks back rang in my ears,
"You were my support. But that's gone now. It's just me now."
That just hit me. And I just started crying. I was so alone. My thighs are all cut up, along with my hips. I threw up four times, and I've hardly eaten since. 
Sadly, I'm not in a great place right now. 
I went ice skating with Trey tonight. We hung out with his friends, and they're cool. But he kept trying to establish 'us'. Like he'd get all close and all touchy feely, and I just..I'm not ready for that. I don't want to go around broadcasting the idea of me and him as a couple, when I'm still not 100% sure of my own feelings. 
I'm not sure of really anything at the moment though. 
I mean it was crazy.
I was talking to Trey, Nick, and Landon all at the same time. 
And then I just didn't really talk to any of them.
It was so over whelming. 
Because I mean like, there is a part of me that will always be committed to Trey.
Landon respects me as a person, and he's there for me when I'm vulnerable. And I trust him.
Nick is everything I want in someone I want to be in a relationship with.
But of course there's down sides to all of them, but I don't want to sit here and compare every one. Because I really hope we don't get to that point where I have to do that. 
It's just...I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want to make the decision that's best for me.
Not Trey, not Nick, and not Landon.
This time, it's about me.
So maybe I'll have to break some hearts.
Maybe I'll just end up alone.
I honestly have too many things going on to have to worry about all of this. But again, here we are.
So I guess I'll just read some more books on pointless information that I'll never need.
 And spend a good amount of time listening to people sing about love, and going through Tumblr.

Today was lukewarm.

"If only our tongues were made of glass, how much more careful would we be when we speak."

I think I'm getting bad again. 
You know those sighs? Like the really drawn out ones when something disappointing happens? It's like my entire life right now can just be summed up into one giant sigh. 
Millon is in the hospital, she overdosed on dieting pills. I had to agree to let the doctors force feed her. I've cried for a good four hours in the past two days. I was skyping Trey and I just broke down. It made things so much worse when he told me I was 'too beautiful' to cry. 
I wanted to say something, but I wouldn't let myself. 
He didn't know.
But it's just..in general. I'm upset about someone being in the hospital because of an eating disorder, and I myself am struggling with my eating disorder. And as I am first of all, trusting you, and letting you see me when I am so vulnerable, and you then have the audacity to tell me I am too beautiful to be upset? Because beauty measures how happy you must be at all times, and therefore, if you are not beautiful, you are to be sad? To have the nerve to even put emotions and physical appearance in the same category, that is what kills people.  
My mother has 'relapsed' (she was never getting better, she's just got worse) with her drinking. For the past 4 days I've found her passed out on the kitchen table surrounded by wine, liquor, etc. All we do is fight. Whenever we see each other, it is just a raging battle. 
'I've become so depressed, that I have truly lost myself. I can smile on the outside, when I am sobbing. I look in the mirror and I do not know the eyes looking back at me. These eyes are dead, death paired with a girl who was once filled with life. 
"but our lives will only ever always

continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty."

 



 

 

Today was lukewarm again, I mostly just kind of drifted through the day. I honestly don't remember much of it.
Trey and I were walking out together, at the end of the day, and we sort of hugged. Like he kind of put his arm around me, and I held it. So call that what you want to.  
I was playing cello today for a bit over an hour, and it was really nice to just lose myself for awhile. Nothing mattered, time was stopped, it was just me and the music. But it wasn't even me. It was really just the music.
I took a hot shower today. Which is kind of a big deal for me, I always take cold ones. The hot water messes with my scars, but I thought I should. You know, it's kind of nice to not have like purple skin every time you step out of the shower.
Speaking of cuts, last night got pretty bad, and I don't really wanna talk about it. But I didn't cut. I threw up, so I guess it's like two steps forward, one step back. But it's something.
I'm going to see Trey tomorrow. 
And I'm nervous, but not in a bad way. I..don't know what exactly I'm feeling. I'm just kind of letting everything happen. 
I mean, maybe this is what I need. He supports me. Mostly. But, I can't hold that against him, not after all the shit I've done. I just can't.
But yeah, that was today. 
I'm still taking everything one day at a time. 
But, I'll get back and good eventually. 
Everything is only temporary.
"Act like you've been here before. Smile less and dress up some more."

Well you see, today had it's ups and downs.
I don't want to focus on the bad things, my day was mostly awful. But whatever.
I had cello today, and I walk in and Mike looks at me, and says, You've had a shitty day. Let's play and get passionate about it.
So we totally did. Like legit, it was this insane duet, and it was just what I needed.
And he told me he was proud of me.
Which is just completely amazing.

Trey and I told each other that we missed each other. It was nice to actually tell him. We talked a bit today, and it was just..really nice. 

Landon finally flat out told me he liked me. And it's just...I can't make a commitment like that. He's amazing. But if I still have Trey on my mind, and can openly say I miss him, I can't truthfully tell him that the feeling is mutual.
As much as I would like to, because everything would be so much easier, I know a part of me would always be wondering about the 'what if's'.

I don't know how anything is going to turn out, I might be back tomorrow telling you how much I hate Trey and how I'm going to see Landon and everything,or I might not, but..Let the chips fall where they may.

All I know, is that at this moment, I know that no one can replace what I felt for Trey.  

Take from that what you will, because I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Oh and good news, I only took one brand of sleeping pills last night.
Which is a big accomplishment for me.
Slept 5 hours and everything.

My goal is to be off of them by summer.

But yeah, that's where we're at right now.

"My life has become this one big, 'I don't know'."

Well we got through today.
Isn't that sad? It's like everyday is a challenge, and simply 'making it through' is an accomplishment. But that's where we are right now. 
This girl I used to talk to a lot in Chicago called me today. I vaguely remembered telling her that if she needed anyone to be there for her to call me. But I mean, I never thought she would. But she called me and she told me, Shannon, I'm on the bathroom floor and I just want to loose everything, I'm so fat and disgusting and I just hate myself. I have to get rid of everything. 
And I talked her through it. She didn't relapse. She is better then her eating disorders, I know she is. But it's just crazy, I mean, I helped her through that. 
I mean, maybe that really isn't that big of a deal. But I've been struggling with any remaining symptoms of my personal anorexia, so I know how it is. Maybe that's why that made such a big impact on me. 
Like, I've been trying to not get bad again. But I feel myself slipping, a lot. I'll be perfectly honest, I hardly ate today. Or yesterday. And I was boxing for two and a half hours the day before. But that was necessary  It wasn't about the exercise, I just needed to punch something.
I swear I'm not as violent as that makes me sound. 
But just, being with her in that moment, gave me a spark of hope, when I was witnessing her strength. So I guess I just wanted to share that with you.
I mean, right now I'm mostly just struggling with that, but I haven't been sleeping, and I'm always really nervous, and I'm crazy depressed. 
But life goes on, right?
I had church group tonight. 
I mean, I get waves of missing Trey, but just seeing him and remembering all these little things I loved about him that he would do, I never told him those things, it was like a tsunami. Like I was so close to just going up to him and just telling him I'm sorry and hugging him. 
So close. You have no idea.
But I just sat there. Being distant and everything. I mean, we kind of smiled at each other. 
I was being taught how to do a one legged squat and he walked right past me and witnessed that.
But that was it.
So now I'm just sitting here questioning my entire life. Which sounds really dramatic if you think about it. 
So, my apologies.
And Landon is going to call me soon, and I'm going to have to act like everything is okay and just probably start crying but I'll cover it up so he won't know that anything is wrong. Because I want to protect him I guess. But the real reason is I'm having issues with trusting anybody right now. But I'm to blame for that one.
I just wish someone would realize how I'm breaking down. That not everyone would fall for the act that I'm putting on. That someone would just tell me that I'm not okay when I keep saying I'm fine. And that they wouldn't leave in till I am okay.
But this is my fight that I have to win. I can't lose to any of this. I want to give up, but I have to keep going. One step at a time, one day at a time. I can do this.
"Your eyes they shine so bright, I wanna save that light, I can't escape this now, unless you show me how. When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide."

Well, today was lukewarm again. 
I had a big math test. That I'm pretty sure I failed. I really don't get math. I told everyone that I could just be a stripper. Even though that's kind of a last resort thing. But it was kind of funny in a twisted way. Some guy told me he could see it. And then I got kind of scared.
And I took a grammar test, too. Which I didn't do too good on either..
I swear I know what I'm doing.

But uh, I talked to Trey last night. And things took a turn for the worse I guess. Which really sort of sucks. But we were fighting and yelling at each other. At least this time it wasn't over text. Even though I couldn't see his face...but I guess I didn't want him to see mine, because then he would have known that I was crying.

I called Landon for the first time. We were joking about how that was the reason I called him for the first time.

But, the thing is, he's really easy to talk to. Like, he just takes it all in. And like, you don't feel like your just talking, like you can tell he's listening. And he told me that I shouldn't cry over Trey, but that he understands.

But then he told me he didn't understand, because that's never happened to him. And then he told me guys were idiots and that we could eat chocolate together.

I smiled at that.

Nick and I are still talking, but we're loosing interest in each other. It's kind of funny honestly. 

But yeah, that's where I am with everything. 


"My face is flashing signs, seek it out and you will find, Oh, but I'm not that old, young, but I'm not that bold."

Today was lukewarm. 
I went to church group yesterday, we did a blessing. I got paired with Trey. I'm still debating on how I felt about that.
I was at my locker today and he pushed me down. He then told me I didn't do anything about it. I don't think that he understands that I'm done fighting back, how I'm really giving up. The light inside of me is flickering. I'm becoming numb. 
Nick and I aren't talking as much. I'm not really making the effort anymore. He always asks if there's something wrong, I always tell him no. We still call each other every night, but there is a space between us. I don't think it's just him. I'm growing distant from everybody around me. I have nothing to say.
The guy that I went to the dance with, Landon, is convinced that we're soul mates. I don't know. I don't feel like I should be caring about someone right now. I can hardly support myself, can I really take on someone else? Do I really have to?
I went to the doctor's today. I've lost six pounds. I'm always cold. Always shaking. Always scared. I think I'm falling apart.I'm supposed to eat jelly beans so I won't pass out. I kind of want to. Just so I won't wake up.  I just want this to be over. 
I figured out that I made it to the last round in the writing competition. Everyone was asking about what I wrote about. I told them it wasn't anything warm and fuzzy. They started guessing.
"Skinny love? OMG are you anorexic? I knew you were always weird."
Yeah.
I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

Speaking of sleep, a friend of mine called me last night. She's having problems with her anorexia. She couldn't eat and she was scared and crying. She kept screaming that she was fat. 
We both cried.

Why do these things happen? Where do we find the strength to go on? When did we loose it? 

Why is everything so grey? 


"The fire is coming, I think we should run, run, run."