Well, we aren't doing very well right now. To put it frankly, Jack died on the 1st. He was cremated the second. And it hurts. So bad.
I had to go to the hospital because I had a nervous breakdown and fainted and I didn't wake up for about an hour. I think a part of me was hoping I wouldn't wake up. I have cuts all over me and I cry all the time. But I keep telling myself that I can't stop going. If I stop then I will never start again.
I started working on my book again tonight. We just did about a page and a half, but we're going. I'm going to go on a run tomorrow.
I can't stop. I just can't.
I have solos and performances to play and things to write.
I'm meeting Milon in person tomorrow. She's coming to my performance.
Anthony is good. Really good actually. He's really worried about me, but I literally started crying when I was with him yesterday. I've never done that before. And he saw the cuts, that freaked him out. But he's being supportive and we'll get through this, I hope.
I just...Need to keep reminding myself to keep going. If I stop, I'll never start up again.
"One day someone will hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together."
So I figured I'd finally do the big blog post. Except it probably won't be that big because frankly, I can't remember half of the things I plan to say. So essentially, everything is coming together and falling apart all at the same time.
I haven't written. It hurts too much.
Christmas is less than a month away. It's only been two years and I still miss him and it hurts to write about him, hurts to remember. They say to write in till all the pain is gone, but what happens when writing is the pain?
Sort of had a breakdown last night.
See, there was so much blood..and she was having seizures, and the blood was all over me and I didn't know what to do. So I called 911, the lady on the phone told me I was calm, my head agreed, but my heart told me differently. She was hardly conscious and she asked me how school was going. What do I do with that.
The ambulance came so then I was left alone. I called Trey and I cried. I didn't mean to, but there was so much blood..
I'm not sleeping again. The last time was over a month. And then I slept normally for about a week or so. And now I can't sleep. Too scared.
But uh, saw Anthony today. It was nice. We're trying to patch things up for good this time. I like where it's all going.
See, nobody understands why I keep giving him second chances. Hell, I lost track of all the 'second' chances I've given him.
But the thing is, I see myself in him. I see myself in him as if I was looking into the mirror and the reflection was me a couple years ago. He's lost and he's broken. Hell, I don't know where everyone else gets their fancy philosophy's but I was taught that when something is broken, you fix it. You don't throw it away, you don't give up on it. You fix it.
So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm reminding myself to be patient with him, I tell myself he doesn't mean the things that he says. He tells me that, too. And just, seeing him smile, like a real smile, and being the cause of that, is worth all of it.
He is the sort of person you want to give the world and everything in it.
I played first chair in Chamber Orchestra today. It went really well. Nailed the solo, the director was surprised I knew it.
It's such a beautiful piece, how could I not?
Anyways, we're sort of trudging on. Taking one thing at a time, because that's honestly the only way we're going to get through this. I've got marks and scars all over me, but hey, none of them are terribly new.
One step at a time.
I think I'll make some tea, and tomorrow, I will write.
"A diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well."
So, this will be a quick one because I need to write.
Essentially, the novel is going well, we're at 21,000 words, 100 pages.
And I might have found a publisher, so fingers crossed!
I'll post an obnoxious amount of things when it's finished, regarding information.
But yeah- hopefully it gets read.
Anywho, Jack's having a schizophrenic breakdown and kind of fell apart last night, got his brain to fucking bleed, so now he's in a coma.
Silently falling apart over that.
We're playing Christmas music in Orchestra.
Anthony almost forgot my name today.
I'll make an actual blog post eventually, be patient, buy milk, thank you.
"Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?"
So uh, that novel though.
We have reached 14,500 words, 72 pages, and a very happy Shannon.
I've been talking to Trey about my progress. He told me he was proud of me. I smiled at that. I sent him a recording of this song I've been working on for cello. He said that was good, too. I don't think he gets how big this is for me.
But uh, Milon and I have been looking at ways to get it published, but I'll keep everyone posted about that. And if you'd like to buy it then uh, that'd be really fantastic and amazing and I'd be really happy.
Oh and uhm, she's coming to visit! She's spending nine hours on a bus to come and see my next concert and finally meet me and just I cried when she told me and I cried when I told everyone about it.
My sister posted on my wall on facebook. We kind of found her. She's in the hospital, detoxing. Again. But basically, it was a song by Hinder, What ya gonna do, or something to that affect. The comment started with, "So I know I'm probably dead to you.."
I cried at that, too.
It was because I didn't call. I was supposed to call but I didn't call because I was anxious and nervous and I'm too much of a coward to call my fucking sister because I'm scared I won't be good enough anymore and that she'll hurt me even more.
Milon told me she idolizes me. I told her I eat lunch in the library and that's a bad idea.
So there's a scandal with Anthony. He's doing this Spanish project and he's in a group and one of my best friends happen to be in that group. So uh, he didn't do his part and she got to work and do it for four hours today. Anthony's failing Spanish now. And today's her birthday.
I sent her a message on tumblr at midnight and she said it made her cry. I apologized and she said it was a good cry. Well, okay. If she says so.
But honestly I am so embarrassed about all of this. Him and I aren't really speaking because he doesn't have his phone and frankly we're falling apart. I don't want to see him tomorrow.
Maybe I could just run away to Italy or something?
"Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. They'll drop it every time."
So uh, I wrote 10,000 something words in 7 days. Hoping to reach the better part of it by midnight-ish. I'm piecing together my story, let me tell you. Revisiting the things I've gone through in such detail is painful. I've had to stop writing because I'm crying. But we must continue.
I ended up seeing Anthony, last Sunday. He didn't notice the cuts. We went on a walk together. At one point, we weren't speaking. He was listening to music and I was trying to figure out what part of the sky was the darkest blue. He laughed at me for that. It was..Nice.
My parents openly hate him though, it's sort of funny and I'm not surprised.
And my friends. And anyone important to me.
He plays screamo while I try to write. He turns it up when I ask him to turn it off. It's complicated.
I find myself pushing away. He's very..touchy feely. And I'm not. At all.
And he doesn't understand me, at all. But that's okay too. Because he needs me and I sort of need him.
Haven't slept in around 18 days. Give or take a few, fuck if I know anymore.
Trey and I are talking again. Still not sure what to do about that. Kind of stresses me out, but it's nice to talk to someone who understands what's important to me.
Sliced up the wrists again. Anthony grabbed 'em and I almost cried. He didn't notice.
"But what do you feel?"
I am surrounded by people and yet I still manage to feel completely isolated.
Today is the first day of November. I'm writing a novel in the month of November. 50,000 words, 200 pages. In 30 days. I told myself I'd get it made into an actual book if I can do it. I wrote 2,000 words today. I suppose that's something. I'll probably be up writing in till..tomorrow. I haven't slept in a while. I stopped counting the days because I get them confused with the nights.
I went to a party tonight. Got to be a heartbreaker. Red lipstick that puts the fear of God in a man's heart..Sort of thing. There were people that I didn't know that knew me. Got my picture taken a lot. Got some interested photographers..whatever. I don't even care anymore.
I didn't drink or anything.
I am proud of myself. Sort of.
I don't think I'm seeing Anthony this weekend, so I cut up my stomach. It hurts a lot worse then it should. But that's alright.
My sister's missing. Again.
I randomly start crying because I'm so stressed out about everything.
I just need someone to tell me it's okay.
Lie to me, I don't care.
Just don't leave me alone anymore.
I looked in the mirror and decided I completely hated myself. I broke another mirror. I feel like I should stop doing that. But maybe there just shouldn't be any mirrors that I have to look into.
That was the nice part of my day.
I'm just tired. But I can't sleep. Too nervous. No one to talk to at night. I can't sleep alone, so I just won't sleep at all.
"This is hell and we can't leave."
In tears, in vodka, in the cold, unforgiving water of the lake near my house.
Drowning in my doubts, my fears, the ache for you.
It's getting close to when Kevin died. I spent this evening and last night at the lake. I have frost bite and I haven't stopped shaking in the past hour and my lips are blue and I just want to be held.
I was crying.
He didn't notice.
I did my first open mic night a couple nights ago. I read one of my poems and did an improv poem, which is basically you standing up and talking and hoping it sounds poetic. People stood up when they clapped for me. A couple people cried. And everyone wanted to talk to me. It was the best thing that's happened to me in a long fucking time.
I've been playing cello a lot..Nothing's changed there I suppose.
I had to go to the hospital after school today. I'm still dying. Had to get more shots. I'm thinking about taking my medication again. But I'm hoping things will get better and then I'll take 'em. Because right now I really don't see the point.
Lost more weight.
Still hate myself.
Broke another mirror.
Lips are still blue.
Fell down the stairs again.
"Please check in. Please don't give up on me quite yet."
It's a Monday. I can definitely feel it. Yesterday was..Eventful. I spent a good eight hours with Anthony. Because if I'm mad and not trusting him, that's obviously the logical thing to do, of course. We listened to music, and kissed, and we watched the Great Gatsby. He didn't get it. He tried..He just repeats one of my favorite lines to me every now and then. I don't think he knows how much this disappoints me. I helped him with his math homework. I talked to his dad about a problem we didn't understand and then I figured it out and just..Felt really successful and needed for a moment. Anthony told me I was beautiful. Said he loved me. Said Always. He thinks I don't believe him. I don't believe in always anymore; I am not that foolish. I can feel it in my bones that he isn't telling the truth about something. It just..doesn't all add up.
But anyway, I came home and no one was here. No one is ever here.
Richie came over because I asked him to.
And then this guy Damian shows up at my door, I'm assuming just to scream at me, and he ended up punching me. There was so much blood so I broke his nose. I feel really bad about that. Apparently Richie told Anthony, who proceeded to appropriately get all territorial as if he actually cared and tell Connor. Richie told him I could take care of myself. That, I can. But then I found out that Anthony ruined my friend and his girlfriend's relationship because he was flirting with her and she fell for him. I was mad then.
I was with Anthony in the hallway today and she passed by. He made a point of saying hello and smiling and everything. He made a point to stop holding my hand.
I was mad then..I don't have a word for now.
But that's the thing, I'm not angry. Slightly bitter, maybe. But it's not a shock. I just..God I don't fucking care anymore. It was bound to happen anyway, I'm not good enough for him.
I just wish he'd stop trying so damn hard to make me fall in love with him.
He said he needed me.
She needs him.
I don't need anyone. I'm already past the point of being saved. I've become apathetic.
And that's the worst part.
So Niko has started talking to me, confessing his undying love, yes after all this time, etc. Emily talked about it while Anthony was right there. She said she's going to keep doing that in till he stops being so..complicated. I'm not stopping her.
But of course now he's being all sweet and lovely. He called me his 'beautiful angel'. I told him not to call me that. He didn't respond.
I need to fix things..I really do.
Get my shit together or whatever the kids do now a days.
"Eyes. Those damn eyes fucked me forever."
I don't quite know what to tell you, I don't know what to say, and I don't quite know what you're wanting to hear. I've seemed to have lost my words.
Well, I'm officially back in the business. Had my first shoot today, the pictures will be published. They were black and white and haunting and really fit everything. I was decently proud I guess. Got two hundred. Sending it to Jack.
There's too many people in love with me.
Anthony's possibly actually cheating on me. I told him I didn't even care anymore if he was or wasn't. It's just losing one more thing. I've lost my sanity, I'll just throw everything else away. Took a bunch of pills last night. Richie told me to not do that anymore.
It was the fourth time this week.
But we can't tell people about that. Because I'm supposed to be doing great. Supposed to be helping little kids learn music, have a 4.0, and a perfect relationship.
I can't be fourteen pounds underweight. I can't cry everyday. I can't be hiding dozens of cuts under my shirt. I can't be taking pills to make me numb every night. I can't be relapsing. I can't be spiraling down so quickly.
I can't do anything anymore.
I told Trey to stay away from me today, over text, because he never showed up last night. I wasn't mad last night. But that kinda upset me. And when I say kinda I mean a lot. So I said a lot of words that I didn't mean, acted angry, even thought I stopped giving a shit a while ago. It just upsets me because Anthony's so upset about it. He might be cheating. Honestly, I don't even blame him. I wouldn't be good enough for me either. I told Trey I wasn't scared of him anymore. But I guess that's a lie too, because I'm still shaking, hours later.
Anthony and I are supposed to spend tomorrow together. I wish I could just sleep. It's been eleven days. He said we're going to watch The Great Gatsby together, because he knows it's my favorite. And I'll just sit there, thinking about how his mother compliments him more then I do, and how she's probably prettier then me or whatever. Just like last time.
Didn't eat today.
I don't think it's food that will fill this empty space inside of me.
Asking for help, to people that aren't listening. Saying I don't need it, to the people that are.
"And I should have crashed the car the night I drove alone."
I saw Anthony today. We've had a really bad week because, well I'll get to that. But basically, he just randomly showed up at my house and told me I was coming home with him and that was that. We tried to carve a pumpkin and it didn't work very well, so we listened to music and kissed. He figured out I didn't like people touching my neck. He thought it was his fault. He confessed that he could count my ribs. I think he thinks that's his fault, too.
He told me he loved me again.
That's his fault.
I've lost more weight. I'm always cold. I'm not taking my meds. I had to get twelve shots yesterday. Took some tests. Results weren't good.
But let me tell you about the scandal.
So I was skyping Anthony and Trey sent me a message on kik, telling me to be careful. He eventually confessed that there were a couple of rumors floating around that Anthony got to second with a girl two days before we became official, and that him and this girl, Nora, who doesn't like me, and him were seen making out at this restaurant and when it was over he said, I shouldn't do that again, I love Shannon.
And my reaction...Surprised me.
I started crying.
Not like...Inconsolable crying, it was..hurt. All this hurt. All at once.
Anthony told me it looked like someone slapped me in the face and that I was trying to disappear and that it broke his heart.
So he asked what was going on. I eventually told him what I heard, but I wouldn't tell him who I heard it from.
While I'm telling him the story, he's apologizing. He then denies it happening.
Now at first I thought that was really fishy. But he was crying and just..I don't always know when people are lying to me, but I know when they aren't.
And the thing is- I found out that the rumor was actually that the girl was from a different high school, the one that Trey could so easily describe to me as Nora, goes to our school.
Also- he told one of my best friends that he made a bet on Anthony and I's relationship. Which he knows I despise.
I confronted him about it- he confessed he made it up to see if he could trust her or not.
She's one of my best friends. Of course she tells me everything. He's stupid- but not that stupid.
Fishy. Really fucking fishy.
So basically tomorrow I'm going to act like I have the nerve to confidently confront him and ask him about it, tell him to stay out of my business, and depending on things go, possibly punch him in the face.
But basically, I just want to get the facts straight and tell him to stay out of my life with things like this. And to not spread shit. And to not play games.
I hate when people play games with me.
But anyways, I decided, after I fell down the stairs and everyone stared at me, that I was done having a shitty week so I'm actually decently happy.
I've just got all these cuts, a hazy memory, and a list of mistakes.
But I'm decently happy.
"I hope it fucking haunts you forever that you caused the scars on someone else's skin."
Well, being honest, I haven't posted in over a week because the last time I did, Trey and I got in a fight over it. He told me I shouldn't post things publically if I didn't want them to be read. So I shut up for awhile. Filled two notebooks with writing while I was at it though... But last night he messaged me and apologized. I didn't let myself respond right away because I told myself I didn't care. And then I told him I hardly remembered what happened. And yes, I forget a lot of things, but I don't forget things that make me cry.
So I tried to get away from it all and I'm in New York right now. And the city is gorgeous. The people are gorgeous. Everything is so gorgeous. I had three people ask to take their picture with me today. I have no idea why, but..It's just so fun. It is so damn fun. And right now I can hear the road rage below, I'm looking at the miles of lights, each one containing it's own little story..And I'm happy. I'm happy but I'm alone. I'll have to admit, it's nights like these that I start thinking too much...
I was with Anthony yesterday night. He told me he loved me, and he was shaking, and honestly it was sweet. It was the sweetest thing. And then he was tickling me because..i don't quite know why, but it's Anthony and that reason makes perfect sense, but he saw the cuts on my stomach. He didn't say anything but he had to have seen them. But he kissed me and he told me i was beautiful to him. And then we just sat in each others arms, we didn't speak, we didn't have to. There was just this understanding. I've missed that.
But then why do I feel so alone...
Something's missing, still. And god it kills.
"I've got this box of butterflies from the time I first saw her, most of em are still alive, but, I think these belong to you."
God, where the hell do I even begin.
So Millon and my sister are back together, insert a giant what the fucking hell.
Millon mentioned that we could all be a family and I got all uncomfortable and told her I wasn't really one for the whole family thing. Obvious reasons are obvious, moving on.
I've started cutting again, which I'm not proud to say. Especially because I told Anthony I'd try and stop. But I guess everything's just one giant disappointment, huh?
I have at least a dozen on my back, around five on my stomach, three on my wrists, and four on my thighs.
Took a shower, almost bled out. Got to spend last night at the hospital.
While I was there, I got some..news. That...hurts. So bad.
And I don't know quite how to say it without just slamming it on the table.
There's a good chance that I'll never be able to get pregnant.
Now I won't go into details because that's just not how I'm gonna do things. But yeah..I found out a couple hours ago and I'm just crying. I'm crying and I can't stop.
I mean, yeah, I might have not ever wanted a kid, but still..what if I did. What if things changed, what if I got my shit together someday and had a family. I mean, could you imagine that? A fucking family.
But no. I mean, yeah I know I could adopt or some shit if I'm ever 30 and lonely. But just..I mean, ladies you understand this. You don't feel like a lady. You feel like a thing, a statistic. A probability problem. One part genetics, three parts pain.
Things are sliding into a deep hole and I don't know what to do with myself.
Anthony called me and I was crying and now he keeps asking what it is and I can't just lie about everything anymore, I'm so sick of doing it. But god, how do you just casually talk about that? You don't. Ever.
God. I just need to talk to someone. Before I completely lose it.
"I know I have lost."
So it goes. Again.
I'm going on a road trip this weekend, to a college football game and a motel.
Which should be nice.
And then on Sunday, I'm going to be performing a uh, divine intervention.
You see, Anthony told me that he's falling out of love with music. And yeah, maybe that isn't a huge deal, and the world isn't going to end, yes. But mine will. Because he'll lose that passionate fascination in his eyes when he talks about it. And that simply can not happen. And you know how I told him how he's the sort of person you'd want to give the world and everything in it? I'm sticking to that. So on Sunday, after a six hour car ride, I'm going to be sitting with him, listening to music, in till he gets that passion back.
Maybe this won't work. But maybe it will. And it's that maybe that we've got to depend on.
Oh, and he held my hand today. Insert one of those giggly squeal sounds here.
But I went to this field hockey game today with some friends of mine because my other friends are on the team and it was just..so cool. Like, we were all sitting there and talking and laughing and it was this sense of belonging. That feeling was the best, I just want to have it all of the time.
And I was on the bus today, just looking out the window. And I was listening to the song Scars by Papa Roach, and everything was just simply golden. And I remember thinking to myself, it is times like these that make me want to keep walking, to keep trudging on through all of this complete shit.
So yeah, just a happy thought there.
And I was making more friends in chamber today. We ate pancakes.
I'm just..Trying to get excited about everything again.
And..I know that I slip and fall, a lot. But that's not the point, you know? The fact of the matter is is that I have to get up again in till I can walk, one foot in front of the other, and only trip sometimes.
"Go all the way with it. Do not back off. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters."
Saw a sign earlier today, it said, fell down stairs again. Still hurts.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Got beat up.
Had a panic attack.
Sliced up my stomach.
Took a shower.
Fell down the stairs again.
I don't even know what day it is anymore.
"The bad news- nothing lasts forever. The good news- nothing lasts forever."
It feels like I'm leading two separate lives. I haven't slept more then three hours in the past week because a friend of mine is struggling with her eating disorder and has to go to these therapy sessions every night and calls me crying. And yeah, maybe six hours on the phone isn't necessary on my part. But what else could I do? I literally can not just tell her she needs to cry on her own and hang up so I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed at six in the morning. It's just not worth it. That and I have one of those stupid colds that just make you feel like shit, but not shitty enough to actually do something about it. So I haven't really been eating either because of that so I've lost weight again. It's a struggle.
Oh, I talked to my sister yesterday. She's getting out of rehab in a couple weeks. Which is terrifying. Because basically, the guy that got her in there is waiting for her right at the front door. She told me this time everything felt different. And that while she was in the hospital on detox, she looked at her bracelet and thought that she really didn't want me to have to bury her.
I told her I'd thought about that more then I should have.
She asked about how I was doing, I acted like I was fine. She asked if Trey and I were still a thing and I told her no. I didn't say anything else.
I tried to tell her about orchestra and such. She didn't really listen. Which hurt a lot more then it should. Millon told me that it should have hurt and that she shouldn't disregard what's important to me.
It shouldn't have hurt.
Oh, and we kicked my dad out a week ago. And he just came back today.
But let's talk about something better...
I've been spending uh, a lot of time with Anthony's parents. Because he had a band competition yesterday and they invited me to come. So I was in the car with them for two and a half hours, and the competition itself was three hours. And then today I was with them again because we had to find Anthony a tie for homecoming and then we went to dinner and everything else.
I think they like me though. That'd be really great.
But as for Anthony and I, its..lovely. He makes things bearable and brings this light to my life that I can't even describe. I don't know where I would be without him.
I think he saw my scars today though. But on the bright side,
None of them are fresh.
"Nobody, not even the rain."
I've become quiet.
Kenny died of cancer last night.
Still haven't taken my kidney medication.
Infection can eat away at it, I don't even care anymore.
But I'm taking all my other meds.
And I'm very...settled. I'm just so silent about everything. I've been burying myself in whatever I can, cello, schoolwork, books, everything. Just for that simple hope that tomorrow, things will get better.
They have to, right?
I mean, I'm going through the motions. Despite a few things, everything is fine.
Anthony and I are still doing good. He's like that one person that I can really connect with, you know? I wish I had more people like that.
But they're all either dead or depressed.
So, here we are.
One step at a time.
I'm just numb at this point, maybe it's the meds, maybe it's just me. Hell if I even know.
I feel like I just need a break, you know? But I can't. I have to keep going. Can't stop now.
I just..Need to talk to someone. About something, anything.
Oh, but speaking of talking, on an entirely different note, I have to do this project for school, it's sort of an all year thing. But I have to find someone over or at least pretty damn close to the age of 60 and ask them questions and write things down.
So I know my grandparent's stories and there honestly isn't seven pages worth of things to write down. Which is okay, but still.
So I thought I'd come to EP. I'm going to post around looking for someone. But basically, I'll be asking a ton of questions.
So if you're just randomly 60 and would love to do that, lovely. Message me.
Anywho. Learning tenor cleft on cello because regionals.
"When I wake up, I'm afraid, that somebody else might take my place."
It's going, oh it is going.
Going well, too. For the most part.
Kinda had a panic attack earlier this week, called Trey and literally just cried. He left to go take a shower so I turned off my phone because I felt so disgusted with myself.
But besides that, I've been really good. I made muffins and went to an outdoor showing of Romeo and Juliette last night. It was freezing but I met a lot of new people and it was just great.
I spent this evening with Anthony. I met his parents and everything, and I think they really like me. He asked me to homecoming. Like, on his iPod he asked me to put on the first playlist on there, so I went on it and the title was Homecoming? and it had all the songs we'd ever talked about. Which is literally the sweetest thing ever. So basically we just listened to music, wrestled, cuddled, and talked.
He's...Really great. I mean, there's just this understanding between us. We don't need words. Which is nice because I'm not really one for talking.
So right now, I'm really happy.
"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful."
My days are filled with cello, Anthony, and schoolwork.
The leaves are starting to change and fall. I sat outside and drew for awhile today, which is something I haven't done in a long time.
But uh, an old friend of mine is trying to lose weight. Like, he's been overweight all his life and he's gonna lose it. So he signed us up for this really intensive thing. It's everyday, usually in the evening, for two hours. Today, three people passed out and five threw up. Leaving two of us, myself and the instructor.
I kind of hate her, to put it lightly.
Like, we were running and she was asking why I hadn't given up yet, I told her I wasn't tired. So she looks at me and says, old habits die hard, huh?
And I literally lost it.
I told her, you think you've got it all figured out; making people work out in sports bras and without shirts so they can own up to their body? For the common goal of fitting in this shell of perfection that you shove in their face? What about you? Have you ever tried owning up to your soul?
And she told me I was just angry because I wasn't accepting the program.
I don't need a fucking program. I don't need to lose weight. And I certainly don't need to lose the ability to say that.
So I'm on edge on whether or not I should support my friend, or completely quit.
But on a brighter note, Anthony and I are doing good.
He kissed me today. Apparently it was his first kiss. I apologized for him having a shitty first kiss and promised him he'd get a better one eventually.
I'm going to meet his parents this weekend.
His dad thinks I've got a great personality and his mom is literally thrilled about everything.
I mean, of course I'm nervous as hell because I'm still honestly kind of new to doing things the right way.
But hell, I'd do it for him. Like there's this thing to him, you just want to give him the world and everything in it. He has this hope in everything that he says. It's literally the most inspiring thing.
He fascinates me. I like him. And I want to know more.
It's so god damn simple.
It can't be that simple, right? Like I feel like something needs to go wrong or something.
But I'm not messing this up. I can't mess up. Not again.
I'm getting better with my regional music, more confident in Chamber. Making a lot of friends in there, all that good jazz.
Slightly okay with actually waking up in the morning.
Day whatever of not taking my kidney medication.
Not dead yet.
I'd say things are going pretty damn well.
"I told you to be patient and I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced and I told you to be kind."
Well, still haven't taken that kidney medication. I've just got this feeling, telling me not to, you know? Hell, maybe this is the worst mistake I'll ever made, but I'm not feeling like that anymore. I'd rather go out with a bang then fade away I guess.
So uh, Trey and I don't talk as much anymore. And when we do it's sort of forced or at least I feel like it is.
He saw Anthony and I at the football game on Friday, I guess that speaks for itself.
I really like this Anthony kid.
Like we're "going together" now or whatever they call it nowadays. Which is really sweet, honestly.
He makes me happy. And it's literally that simple.
Oh, but I bought new cello strings today. I told Anthony he had some competition, they are simply lovely.
I was playing my music for regional orchestra and I was like..damn.
Which is a lot because I think I suck.
So I was at the lake with this guy Trevor, he's autistic and like three years older then me. He's literally the coolest person ever, like I totally love him.
Like my phone was ringing because someone was calling me and he literally took it and threw it in the lake and looked me dead in the eye and said, fuck society.
And then jumped in and got it for me. And like, not a single thing is wrong with my phone.
Even though it was at the bottom of a damn lake.
Like, there is a Jesus. I swear.
So that kind of made my life.
But yeah, still taking things day by day I guess. But it's looking up, you know? I'm starting to actually look forward to things and get a social life that isn't possibly dangerous to my health.
Just, figuring shit out, you know?
Saying yes to the things I want, and not being scared to tell someone no.
"He offered her the world- she said she had her own."
I don't know anymore. I'm so done with everything.
Done with people.
I fucking hate school, the people just disgust me. I don't even try anymore.
Stopped talking to Jacob, I told him he needed to stop acting like I was his god damn pet or something. So far, that's escalated to me kicking him in the balls and spitting on him. Love it.
Niko and I aren't talking at the moment. Which is great because I'm really getting sick of all the drama.
The days are blurring together. I haven't slept since Sunday night. I just cry.
I haven't taken the last three doses of my kidney medication. I can't handle throwing up everything hour. I can't handle passing out randomly. Can't handle the pain. Call me weak, I really don't care anymore. I give up. I can't do that for months; let's not ever act like we thought I could.
My family's been fighting so much. I don't really want to get into details. Basically, I cut up my stomach last night while I took a shower, it's..bad. But last night around 2 my mom and I were fighting and she asked why I didn't have a date to fucking homecoming. I told her because no one wanted to ask the girl with the cuts. And she left. I haven't seen her since.
I mean, homecoming seems so irrelevant. Like it's great to fantasize about having this great night and everything, but it's not gonna happen, you know? That shit just doesn't happen to me. I'm figuring I'll go and be up 'till four with Richie drinking god knows what.
So glad I got a pretty dress.
As for the whole situation with Trey and I...I have no idea. I saw him on Monday and it was a lot for me. I'll be honest. I guess I'm having a hard time putting the face with the voice, you know? We were talking after and he said he apologized for pushing so much, but I told him that's just what he does. I can tell something's off with us. It's probably me. I was upset today and he told me not to do anything 'rash'. I seriously wanted to punch something. Rash? Am I this lady creature that can't be angry about everything? Am I just supposed to be happy all the time and never do things I'll regret? Buddy, I haven't slept for about four days. Let's talk about rash.
Oh, and there's the whole situation with the fact that this guy Anthony , that's been talking to me. He's cute and everything, a musician too. I just don't really know him well enough, you know? But it's almost funny because I almost always see Trey when I'm with him.
But like, what if I was actually happy with my life and my relationship. And we did all those things you're supposed to do like have date night, and wear his jacket, and go to homecoming.
Like, that'd be fucking insane, yeah?
"I feel a filth in my bones, wash out my head till it's gone..."
Previous PostsSecrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
Day 0, posted June 30th, 2013
Day 28, posted June 27th, 2013
Day 24, posted June 23rd, 2013
Day 23, posted June 22nd, 2013
Day 22, posted June 21st, 2013
Day 18, posted June 17th, 2013
Day 0, posted May 30th, 2013
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