Day 90 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

It doesn't feel like 90 days honestly. I mean, right now I'm just participating in being 'normal'. This took a lot of close observation of the female personality but I finally got it down to a check list of things I should do to fit in.
1. Fan girl over a celebrity/ guy that will never love you back.
2. Be a complete bitch to people you've never met.
3. Stuff your face with food and still manage to stay skinny 
4. Listen to the top 10 list and nothing else. Ever.
5. Follow back only people from your school on any and all social network sites.
6. Only wear approved Hollister clothing by the 'group'.
7. Suck up to anyone 'above you'
8. Never have an opinion, those are weird.
9. When talking to a guy, make sure he knows he's the smartest person in the world.
10. Being classy is way too modest. Fuck being classy.

So far, it's not working for me very well. Guess I'll just have to wait it out and hopefully stupid people will have a way of just disappearing.  I did kinda sorta find this one guy I'm into I guess. So that's a step in the right direction. I'm going on this class trip thing and we're going on a cruise sorta thing one night, and there's gonna be this dance and everything. So I figured I'd act like it was a big deal I was gonna ask him to dance. I mean, he's cool and everything, so whatever. It's honestly the least of my worries right now. 
Sleeping, however, is a worry. I think we're going on 9 days or so since I've slept. Fucking crazy, right? I hate it. I've given up on even trying, I'm just too lonely. Like, I can't sleep if I don't have someone next to me or atleast talk to someone before I go to sleep. Even now though, it's like talking to someone isn't enough, and we're kidding ourselves if we think we're gonna find a guy who doesn't freak me out who would just sleep next to me. So I guess I'll just wait it out.I mean, looking on the 'bright' side, it gives me sometime to think. Which usually isn't a good thing..usually ends up with me having somewhat of a mental breakdown, but that's alright I guess.
I really just want something to hold me together. Like, things won't be perfect anytime soon, but I need something to keep me from falling apart.
Guess I'll find it eventually.
So uh, to put things frankly,
Here's to 90 days of not trying to destroy myself.

Figured out I'm supposed to be proud of this.
Right.
"Your the one thing I want that I never did have."