Day 95 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

I came back and everything was destroyed..walked back from the school, I knew she wouldn't be home. The carpets have wine all over them, tables and chairs are over turned, lights broken, I'm to scared to go into my own room. She destroys me, just when I think I'm finally getting the hang of this, she shatters it. Do you know how much it hurts? When you see everyone hugging their parents, and you're alone, walking on the side of the road? Do you know that feeling? It tears you apart from the inside out. Grabs you where it knows it hurts most..it knows me. 

As I walked through the house, the mirrors had different messages written on them in bright red lipstick. 
"I wish you were never born."
"You ruin everything"
"Satan child"
"Disappointment"

And written on the one in my room..
"I hate you."

Somehow she knew that would hurt the most. She knew that none of the other things mattered, knew I'd always come back just to make her not ashamed of me even for just a minute..
She knew.

So here I stand, and I'm alone. Why? Why am I always alone? 

It hurts.

I just..I can't explain it. But there's something there, I know there is. And its killing me. 

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and the pain. Well I've tried that and covering my hurt with smiles doesn't work. What I've learned is that it builds up inside you, it builds in your heart.


Someone once asked me, Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?
And that really puzzled me, for all I could say back was,
Why do you assume I see two roads?
"I don't want the world to see me, I don't think they'd understand."