Day 97 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Many things happened today. I would ask you where to start, but I guess the best place is the beginning. I'm beginning to sleep again, its not pretty, but it's happening. I woke up with bruises all down my arm today. I hope that doesn't mean I have to start over..I mean..I was asleep when it happened..
But I woke up at around 5, walked to the lake. The sunrise was truly gorgeous, the best I've seen in a while. Actually..the best I've seen since he died..
But aside from that, everything went on as normal I suppose. Played guitar in till around 8 or so, walked back. I felt like it was just me here, no one else. I knew that that guy I was supposed to ask to dance, Ryan, I was gonna see him today, so I attempted to look presentable. I felt pretty good about myself I guess. But I tried teaching him ukulele, he failed miserably, but it was nice. We went on a walk, kind of clicked there I guess. Wanted to hold his hand, knew I shouldn't. I miss that. But we went back and he told me to play guitar for him, I played love songs. He sat there, just watching me, with this stupid grin on his face. It made me smile, surprisingly. It was.. pleasant.
So a couple hours later, my sister called. She was stoned out of her mind, laughed when she said she was getting too comfortable with the 'menfolk'. She asked what has happened previously. Told her I was a writer, a model, and a musician. She laughed and told me I was fucked. Is that what I'm trying to do? I liked to hope not..
But anyway, she told me I wasn't beautiful, told me I was just like her. Told me I was a bloody mess. 
I told her I stopped that awhile ago..asked what she did...
She said good luck
Then she paused, and then said Shannon.

As she hung up I heard her yell,
Shit, forgot her name for a second.


Something in me snapped when I heard that. 
It hurts.
Bad.

I'm so stupid..Giving everything for her, doing everything, for her. 

Because I love her. A small part of me, loves her.

Sometimes I hate that part of me.

I hope it was my heart that snapped.


"I'm talking loud, not saying much."