Day 100 | bigeyesseemore's Blog
Well, so far so good I guess. I feel like I should be proud or happy, or at least be feeling something..but nothing. I'm so numb right now. Like its when everything hurts so bad, that you just can't feel it anymore, that dizzy sensation you get when your between the pain and unconsciousness. I'm so scared honestly. I mean, I feel like I've just been holding everything together and I'm waiting for it all to crash to the ground. So here I am, just sitting, waiting. I know that one of these days I'm going to have to eventually actually go through and learn to cope with everything I've been through. I can't keep distracting myself, I can't keep telling myself that everything that's happened is 'no big deal'. Because you know what? It is. It's a huge deal, and its destroying me.
I have all these people saying that their here for me, and that they know what it feels like. But the worst part is, they don't. They have no idea how I feel, they don't know what I've seen. And that's what hurts the most. How alone I really am in this. Because when it comes down to it, it's just going to be me against everything that's happened. I'll just keep waiting for that day when all that happens.
My Schizo's getting worse.. I think it was just last night when it almost got bad again. I don't want to get bad ever again..
He was there. Just..watching me. I was laying down, talking to a friend of mine like I usually do. I mean, I went to the Doctors earlier that day and everything had been kinda rough, but I mean...It wasn't that bad. Like that shouldn't have happened. But there he was, I saw him clear as he would be as if he was standing there. I thought he was back..I thought he was there to really kill me this time. I wanted to say something, tell someone how scared I was, to hear that it was okay, that it was just my schizo. But, like always, my words had seemed to have failed me. So there I sat in terrified silence, crumbling on the inside. He started walking towards me..and I don't remember anything that happened for the rest of the night.
"I'm staring at the edge of the world."
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Previous PostsReturning, Take Two., posted July 31st, 2014
Returning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
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Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
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Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
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Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
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Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
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Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
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Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
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