Day 100 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Well, so far so good I guess. I feel like I should be proud or happy, or at least be feeling something..but nothing. I'm so numb right now. Like its when everything hurts so bad, that you just can't feel it anymore, that dizzy sensation you get when your between the pain and unconsciousness. I'm so scared honestly. I mean, I feel like I've just been holding everything together and I'm waiting for it all to crash to the ground. So here I am, just sitting, waiting. I know that one of these days I'm going to have to eventually actually go through and learn to cope with everything I've been through. I can't keep distracting myself, I can't keep telling myself that everything that's happened is 'no big deal'. Because you know what? It is. It's a huge deal, and its destroying me. 
I have all these people saying that their here for me, and that they know what it feels like. But the worst part is, they don't. They have no idea how I feel, they don't know what I've seen. And that's what hurts the most. How alone I really am in this. Because when it comes down to it, it's just going to be me against everything that's happened. I'll just keep waiting for that day when all that happens. 
My Schizo's getting worse.. I think it was just last night when it almost got bad again. I don't want to get bad ever again..
He was there. Just..watching me. I was laying down, talking to a friend of mine like I usually do. I mean, I went to the Doctors earlier that day and everything had been kinda rough, but I mean...It wasn't that bad. Like that shouldn't have happened. But there he was, I saw him clear as he would be as if he was standing there. I thought he was back..I thought he was there to really kill me this time. I wanted to say something, tell someone how scared I was, to hear that it was okay, that it was just my schizo. But, like always, my words had seemed to have failed me. So there I sat in terrified silence, crumbling on the inside. He started walking towards me..and I don't remember anything that happened for the rest of the night. 

"I'm staring at the edge of the world."