Day 103 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Well I went to the small town where my grandma lives, because shes 'dying' again so yeah. She hates me, so it's not really a big deal, it's gonna happen sometime anyway. But, on Thanksgiving it was just my parents, myself, and her all looking at each other so I went down to the dock because she lives on a lake. I saw this guy on the kayak looking thing and it was painted really cool, so I shouted out that I liked it. He ended up paddling over to where I was sitting and we struck up some pretty good conversation. Eventually we both asked each other why we were alone on Thanksgiving, he explained that he lived alone so I told him he could celebrate it with us. We ended up sending out an email to everyone that if they were alone they should come now. We were going to just go to a diner or something but when everyone showed up everyone volunteered to cook. So after a couple hours we all went to go and make something, planning to meet back up there at 6. I went with Dan, the guy I first met, because we'd been talking all day and figured out we both had an insane love for sweet potatoes. So we paddled over to his place and he showed me his art, we cranked up the music, and began making a couple pounds of sweet potatoes, which was great. Dinner was cool, there were about 50 people there, so it was nice. I guess that's my way of avoiding my family, by inviting a bunch of people. So, whatever. It was nice. 
But since there were only two bedrooms upstairs, one for each of my parents, I got the basement. At first I was thrilled because it led out to this patio and had a gorgeous view of the lake. However, the first night, this deer was watching me. Like, literally watching me. It didn't leave for a couple hours and it came back in the middle of the night. The windows didn't have curtains, so it could just watch me. It scared the shit out of me honestly. I mean the whole thing was so unnatural, downright freaky. But then the next night, there was this like albino raccoon sitting right at the door, again just staring at me. Since there was really no where else to go, I sat in this old fridge. It was off, and I just wanted the creature thing to go away. But, it escaped me that I always react really oddly to things when I might be having one of my 'breakdowns'. Its like, one of the first stages of it. 
As the night went on, I called a friend of mine and I could defiantly tell things we're getting a lot worse especially with my schizo and my anxiety. And, like I should have known, I found myself having some breakdown, right while I was talking to him. It was humiliating, it was degrading.  I felt like such a psycho when the whole thing was over, and pretty much wanted to throw my phone in a lake and never speak to anyone ever again. 
So of course the car ride back today was hell. Threw up so many times I lost track, my entire body hurts like hell, its like the worst hangover ever, times 10. So yeah, pretty sure I've got some great plans involving my bed, and not speaking at least in till tomorrow. Which reminds me, I'm dying my hair blonde tomorrow, no reason really. Just in the mood for a change. Can't wait in til I go to school, that's either gonna go really really good or really really bad. But yeah, everything right now's just kinda overall shitty. Especially with the holiday season officially starting, its just gonna go downhill from here.
"You feel love, but you know you're just gonna waste it."