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Day 105 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


I have this feeling..Its a strange feeling, honestly. It feels as if I've been watching my own life through someone else's eyes. Like, I see myself, doing everything I do, and I sit here thinking, I would never do that. What am I doing? These are not choices I would choose to make. And yet I'm watching myself make them, seeing myself do things I would have never done. Known I should have never even thought about doing. I feel like I am not myself anymore, I feel like I'm just watching my body do things, hear my voice say things, watch myself carrying out things I would have never done. And I feel like that's exactly what it is, I'm just watching from a distance, completely seeing that I have no control over anything anymore. And that's a really scary thing. I mean, it's terrifying me right now. 
I know that I'll just end up hurting everyone in the end.
That's the worst part.

And the falling, I feel like I'm falling all the time. Like, no matter what I do, where I sit, stand, it feels as if there's no ground under me.
Don't know if this should concern me or not.

 But, I'm scared.
That thing I've spoken of before, 
It's still there.

I can feel it.
It's eating away at my flesh, I'm scared I can't keep it in too much longer.

I still don't believe I haven't cut in 105 days. But like I said, when I do again, it's going to be ugly. It's going to bad. There will be blood, everywhere. There will be no tears, because it'll be just what I wanted all along.

To tear myself apart, to destroy myself so no one will ever know it's me.

"Wake up in the morning, it's not so bad, I can taste you on my lips and it makes me sad."

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Previous Posts
Returning, Take Two., posted July 31st, 2014
Returning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
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Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
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Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
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Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
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