Day 105 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

I have this feeling..Its a strange feeling, honestly. It feels as if I've been watching my own life through someone else's eyes. Like, I see myself, doing everything I do, and I sit here thinking, I would never do that. What am I doing? These are not choices I would choose to make. And yet I'm watching myself make them, seeing myself do things I would have never done. Known I should have never even thought about doing. I feel like I am not myself anymore, I feel like I'm just watching my body do things, hear my voice say things, watch myself carrying out things I would have never done. And I feel like that's exactly what it is, I'm just watching from a distance, completely seeing that I have no control over anything anymore. And that's a really scary thing. I mean, it's terrifying me right now. 
I know that I'll just end up hurting everyone in the end.
That's the worst part.

And the falling, I feel like I'm falling all the time. Like, no matter what I do, where I sit, stand, it feels as if there's no ground under me.
Don't know if this should concern me or not.

 But, I'm scared.
That thing I've spoken of before, 
It's still there.

I can feel it.
It's eating away at my flesh, I'm scared I can't keep it in too much longer.

I still don't believe I haven't cut in 105 days. But like I said, when I do again, it's going to be ugly. It's going to bad. There will be blood, everywhere. There will be no tears, because it'll be just what I wanted all along.

To tear myself apart, to destroy myself so no one will ever know it's me.

"Wake up in the morning, it's not so bad, I can taste you on my lips and it makes me sad."

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