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Day 14 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


Today hurt. Haven't slept since Wednesday night. It's like my heart actually hurts. There's a pain in my chest, and it just drains you and everything looks so grey. I can't think straight, and today made none of that better.
Had one of those anxiety attacks or whatever you call them last night. It was around 2 in the morning. Couldn't stop shaking, couldn't speak, let alone tell anyone what was going on. So I curled up in a ball and stayed like that all night. 
Just like the night before..and the night before....and the night before.

Had to quit guitar today. Can't pay for it anymore. 
Trent and I just talked the entire time. We asked about each other's family's at the same time.
But the thing that hurt the most was we both said 'Well, we put the fun in dis-functional.' at the same time too. And we were talking about that a lot. I told him what was going on, and how I never slept and the whole thing with my sister. And I told him what today was. We were both crying. 
When it was all over and done with he looked at me and he said,
You know, you've got something special. There's this spark in you, and I don't want it to go out. Show them all how much your worth. And as I stood up to leave for the last time, he told me that that was the first time he'd cried in 20 years, he thanked me for that.
Then he held my wrists and told me not to give up, meaning about my cutting.

I never told him about that.

Richie picked me up, and I just started sobbing. 

So now it's just me. 
Alone..again.


And the worst part is, I knew this was going to happen. I knew I'd cry, knew I'd hurt.

Today's a year and a half since Kevin died.

If I was going to cut, it'd be now.
If I was going to hurt, it'd be now.
If I was going to give up, it'd be now.


"The war is in my head, the wounds are on my body."


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Previous Posts
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
Day 0, posted June 30th, 2013
Day 28, posted June 27th, 2013
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