Day 14 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Today hurt. Haven't slept since Wednesday night. It's like my heart actually hurts. There's a pain in my chest, and it just drains you and everything looks so grey. I can't think straight, and today made none of that better.
Had one of those anxiety attacks or whatever you call them last night. It was around 2 in the morning. Couldn't stop shaking, couldn't speak, let alone tell anyone what was going on. So I curled up in a ball and stayed like that all night. 
Just like the night before..and the night before....and the night before.

Had to quit guitar today. Can't pay for it anymore. 
Trent and I just talked the entire time. We asked about each other's family's at the same time.
But the thing that hurt the most was we both said 'Well, we put the fun in dis-functional.' at the same time too. And we were talking about that a lot. I told him what was going on, and how I never slept and the whole thing with my sister. And I told him what today was. We were both crying. 
When it was all over and done with he looked at me and he said,
You know, you've got something special. There's this spark in you, and I don't want it to go out. Show them all how much your worth. And as I stood up to leave for the last time, he told me that that was the first time he'd cried in 20 years, he thanked me for that.
Then he held my wrists and told me not to give up, meaning about my cutting.

I never told him about that.

Richie picked me up, and I just started sobbing. 

So now it's just me. 
Alone..again.


And the worst part is, I knew this was going to happen. I knew I'd cry, knew I'd hurt.

Today's a year and a half since Kevin died.

If I was going to cut, it'd be now.
If I was going to hurt, it'd be now.
If I was going to give up, it'd be now.


"The war is in my head, the wounds are on my body."