Day 15 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

My time in Chicago is slowly returning.
My anorexia is coming back. I find myself looking in the mirror again, pinching and pulling, disgusted with what I see.
Refusing to eat, simply not wanting to. I've lost 5 pounds, my legs are beginning to gap again, I can feel my rib cage, see it too.
Send me to hell for this, but trust me I've got my spot reserved, but I missed seeing my bones so easily.

I've been so close to cutting, I don't even know why I stopped anymore. 
To wear short sleeves?
Maybe I'll wear them right after I do, maybe I'll still be bleeding when I do.
Wouldn't that be something?
Maybe I'll get lucky, go a bit too far. 
Wouldn't that be something? Haha..wish.

I cringe whenever someone touches me. I'm beginning to hate the feeling.
Just like back in Chicago..

The lying, or the 'acting', whatever you want to call it.
I'm so fucking good at it. It's in my blood I guess. I come from a string of liars, cheaters, thieves. 
I can't remember a day when I didn't lie at least once. 

I went boxing a couple days ago. Even fought a guy. I mean, it wasn't anything good. I've known him for years and he just wanted to see if I was still as good as I was. Turns out I haven't lost my touch. But boxing? Fighting?
I swore to myself I'd never do that again.

And then then there was today. 
And let the memories come back in 5..4..3..

I don't know what I should do about that. It's funny though, because I keep telling myself, "Oh yeah, I've got everything under control."
Cute, real cute.

I had this crazy thought, that I could just start over. Like it's not like anyone actually knows everything that's happened in Chicago that lives here. 
So I could just fuck everything and act like none of it ever happened.

Cute, real cute, huh?
"Pictures of a happy yesterday are nothing more but sweet, white lies."