Day 15 | bigeyesseemore's Blog
My time in Chicago is slowly returning.
My anorexia is coming back. I find myself looking in the mirror again, pinching and pulling, disgusted with what I see.
Refusing to eat, simply not wanting to. I've lost 5 pounds, my legs are beginning to gap again, I can feel my rib cage, see it too.
Send me to hell for this, but trust me I've got my spot reserved, but I missed seeing my bones so easily.
I've been so close to cutting, I don't even know why I stopped anymore.
To wear short sleeves?
Maybe I'll wear them right after I do, maybe I'll still be bleeding when I do.
Wouldn't that be something?
Maybe I'll get lucky, go a bit too far.
Wouldn't that be something? Haha..wish.
I cringe whenever someone touches me. I'm beginning to hate the feeling.
Just like back in Chicago..
The lying, or the 'acting', whatever you want to call it.
I'm so fucking good at it. It's in my blood I guess. I come from a string of liars, cheaters, thieves.
I can't remember a day when I didn't lie at least once.
I went boxing a couple days ago. Even fought a guy. I mean, it wasn't anything good. I've known him for years and he just wanted to see if I was still as good as I was. Turns out I haven't lost my touch. But boxing? Fighting?
I swore to myself I'd never do that again.
And then then there was today.
And let the memories come back in 5..4..3..
I don't know what I should do about that. It's funny though, because I keep telling myself, "Oh yeah, I've got everything under control."
Cute, real cute.
I had this crazy thought, that I could just start over. Like it's not like anyone actually knows everything that's happened in Chicago that lives here.
So I could just fuck everything and act like none of it ever happened.
Cute, real cute, huh?
"Pictures of a happy yesterday are nothing more but sweet, white lies."
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Previous PostsDay 3, posted May 22nd, 2013
Day 2, posted May 21st, 2013
Day 3, posted May 15th, 2013
Day 1, posted May 13th, 2013
Day 0, posted May 12th, 2013
Day 24, posted May 10th, 2013
Day 20, posted May 6th, 2013
Day 18, posted May 4th, 2013
Day 17, posted May 3rd, 2013
Day 16, posted May 2nd, 2013
Day 14, posted April 30th, 2013, 1 comment
Day 13, posted April 29th, 2013
Day 12, posted April 28th, 2013
Day 10, posted April 26th, 2013, 1 comment
Day 3, posted April 19th, 2013
Day 25, posted April 16th, 2013
Day 21, posted April 12th, 2013
Day 20, posted April 11th, 2013
Day 19, posted April 10th, 2013
Day 18, posted April 9th, 2013
Day 17, posted April 8th, 2013
Day 15, posted April 6th, 2013
Day 12, posted April 4th, 2013
Day 11, posted April 3rd, 2013
Day 11, posted April 2nd, 2013
Day 10, posted April 1st, 2013
Day 9, posted March 31st, 2013
Day 8, posted March 30th, 2013
Day 7, posted March 29th, 2013
Day 2, posted March 24th, 2013
Day 1, posted March 23rd, 2013
Day 0, posted March 22nd, 2013
Day 15, posted March 21st, 2013
Day 10, posted March 16th, 2013
Day 5, posted March 11th, 2013
Day 21, posted March 6th, 2013
Day 20, posted March 5th, 2013
Day 18, posted March 3rd, 2013
Day 13, posted February 26th, 2013
Day 8, posted February 21st, 2013
Day 7, posted February 20th, 2013
Day 6, posted February 19th, 2013
Day 4, posted February 17th, 2013
Day 3, posted February 16th, 2013
Day 2, posted February 15th, 2013
Day 1, posted February 14th, 2013
Day 36, posted February 11th, 2013
Day 34, posted February 9th, 2013
Day 33o, posted February 8th, 2013
Day 29, posted February 6th, 2013
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