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Day 15 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


My time in Chicago is slowly returning.
My anorexia is coming back. I find myself looking in the mirror again, pinching and pulling, disgusted with what I see.
Refusing to eat, simply not wanting to. I've lost 5 pounds, my legs are beginning to gap again, I can feel my rib cage, see it too.
Send me to hell for this, but trust me I've got my spot reserved, but I missed seeing my bones so easily.

I've been so close to cutting, I don't even know why I stopped anymore. 
To wear short sleeves?
Maybe I'll wear them right after I do, maybe I'll still be bleeding when I do.
Wouldn't that be something?
Maybe I'll get lucky, go a bit too far. 
Wouldn't that be something? Haha..wish.

I cringe whenever someone touches me. I'm beginning to hate the feeling.
Just like back in Chicago..

The lying, or the 'acting', whatever you want to call it.
I'm so fucking good at it. It's in my blood I guess. I come from a string of liars, cheaters, thieves. 
I can't remember a day when I didn't lie at least once. 

I went boxing a couple days ago. Even fought a guy. I mean, it wasn't anything good. I've known him for years and he just wanted to see if I was still as good as I was. Turns out I haven't lost my touch. But boxing? Fighting?
I swore to myself I'd never do that again.

And then then there was today. 
And let the memories come back in 5..4..3..

I don't know what I should do about that. It's funny though, because I keep telling myself, "Oh yeah, I've got everything under control."
Cute, real cute.

I had this crazy thought, that I could just start over. Like it's not like anyone actually knows everything that's happened in Chicago that lives here. 
So I could just fuck everything and act like none of it ever happened.

Cute, real cute, huh?
"Pictures of a happy yesterday are nothing more but sweet, white lies."

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Previous Posts
Returning, Take Two., posted July 31st, 2014
Returning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
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