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Day 17 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


Sometimes things don't go too well.
And sometimes..
Everything is just a fucking train wreck.

I really hate those days.

I had to go to the doctor's today, and of course it was surprise testing. Which was hell. I mean..I don't even want to talk about it. I just sat there and cried on Richie's shoulder for an hour when it was over. 
And it's all for her.
Everything I do, is for her.

Which reminds me,
I found out she's been out of her mind wasted every time we've spoken for the past year. And then, she called Millon, drunk, this morning, and screamed at her. 
Millon has anxiety, like really bad, and you just can't scream at her. You just can't. I mean, you'll destroy her.
And that's exactly what she does.

So I get a call about 10 minutes after Richie leaves with all of this glorious news.

Found out most of the money I've given to her, was spent on drugs, that she's living with some doushebag, and that she pretty much just gave the fuck up.

You know, I want to give up too. But if I do, I don't bring the rest of the entire planet down with me.

And then there was my parents, which was just hell. Of course.

After about an hour of that I had a nervous breakdown.
Right in front of them.

They
Watched
Me.

It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through in a long time.

I feel humiliated, I feel broken, and I just want to rip myself apart right now.

If there's one reason not to just give up,
Enlighten me.

I don't know who everyone thinks I am, but I can't hold myself together like they think I can.
I can't fix everything.
I can't solve their problems, and I can't even solve my own.

You know, 
Sometimes,
I really hate myself.

"There's a war inside my head. But the wounds are on my body."


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Previous Posts
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
Day 0, posted June 30th, 2013
Day 28, posted June 27th, 2013
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