Day 17 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Sometimes things don't go too well.
And sometimes..
Everything is just a fucking train wreck.

I really hate those days.

I had to go to the doctor's today, and of course it was surprise testing. Which was hell. I mean..I don't even want to talk about it. I just sat there and cried on Richie's shoulder for an hour when it was over. 
And it's all for her.
Everything I do, is for her.

Which reminds me,
I found out she's been out of her mind wasted every time we've spoken for the past year. And then, she called Millon, drunk, this morning, and screamed at her. 
Millon has anxiety, like really bad, and you just can't scream at her. You just can't. I mean, you'll destroy her.
And that's exactly what she does.

So I get a call about 10 minutes after Richie leaves with all of this glorious news.

Found out most of the money I've given to her, was spent on drugs, that she's living with some doushebag, and that she pretty much just gave the fuck up.

You know, I want to give up too. But if I do, I don't bring the rest of the entire planet down with me.

And then there was my parents, which was just hell. Of course.

After about an hour of that I had a nervous breakdown.
Right in front of them.

They
Watched
Me.

It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through in a long time.

I feel humiliated, I feel broken, and I just want to rip myself apart right now.

If there's one reason not to just give up,
Enlighten me.

I don't know who everyone thinks I am, but I can't hold myself together like they think I can.
I can't fix everything.
I can't solve their problems, and I can't even solve my own.

You know, 
Sometimes,
I really hate myself.

"There's a war inside my head. But the wounds are on my body."