Day 27 | bigeyesseemore's Blog
Ah I'm home now. The family was great. Saw some people I haven't seen in years. My uncle, stutters too, so it was fun to talk with him and not feel so embarrassed about my stutter. My cousin is a musician and kind of odd, so we got a long really well. And my aunt, well she's a talker and I'm a listener, so that was good.
I'm sick though. Nothing gruesome or hospital worthy, just annoying.
I must admit though, I almost cut.
Which scares me..
At the moments when I should be happiest, I feel so alone. It's those 3 AM moments that just..destroy me. I woke up crying every night, my finger nails were cutting into my hands, so I cut them off. My cuts on my wrists are almost gone, replaced by some new scars, reminders of what I can't do and cope with. However, I wore short sleeves once this week. I was pretty proud of myself. Wore like..10 bracelets, but it's a step.
I lost weight too. But I wasn't really eating because like I said, I'm sick and I feel awful. So I'm not too worried about that.
Worries..that reminds me.
The airport today.
Yeah that brought back some fun memories..
All these men were watching me and drooling over me.
I had to go through security in just a tank top because my sweater was too 'baggy'.
I got frisked after that. Which was not needed AT ALL because I'm wearing a tank top and tights. What could I be hiding? Nothing.
Everything was on display for everyone.
There were so many wandering eyes on me.
And it didn't stop!
I was sitting in a chair by myself because their weren't many available so I couldn't sit with my family.
About after 30 minutes the women next to me got up and within the minute this nasty 50-60 year old guy sits right down next to me and would not shut up and was not at least hiding where his eyes were going.
It was disgusting.
So of course all these other men felt like that gave them permission to do the same thing.
It's like I was doing a strip tease by just reading my book.
I mean, I looked terrible, I'm sick, I'm coughing,
I have no idea why they were so fascinated with me.
So I get on my plane and guess who's sitting next to me?
The same man.
Wouldn't shut up. Wouldn't stop looking at my body.
No respect at all.
He even let me know loud and clear what his intentions were.
He asked if I had a place to stay, if I was single, if I wanted to be single,
my measurements, my weight,
It was ridiculous.
So we land and I reach up to get my bag and I feel this guys hand on my ass.
And he asks if I work out.
I cough on him,
Knee him in the balls,
And step off the plane like nothing happened.
Now, I have problems with men looking at me like that. Have problems with anything sexual in general.
Ah the price of living on the bad side of the city.
Just love it.
I mean, I have so many negative memories linked with all of that, way more then positive, so the whole thing usually doesn't work out for me. Especially if I don't know them.
I guess that's why I'm so bad with compliments from random people.
That's where it always starts..just something small like that.
But I guess I'm just paranoid.
But in a way, it's nice to be back, even if I feel like I'm going to drop dead.
"Home is where the heart is."
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Previous PostsDay 3, posted May 22nd, 2013
Day 2, posted May 21st, 2013
Day 3, posted May 15th, 2013
Day 1, posted May 13th, 2013
Day 0, posted May 12th, 2013
Day 24, posted May 10th, 2013
Day 20, posted May 6th, 2013
Day 18, posted May 4th, 2013
Day 17, posted May 3rd, 2013
Day 16, posted May 2nd, 2013
Day 14, posted April 30th, 2013, 1 comment
Day 13, posted April 29th, 2013
Day 12, posted April 28th, 2013
Day 10, posted April 26th, 2013, 1 comment
Day 3, posted April 19th, 2013
Day 25, posted April 16th, 2013
Day 21, posted April 12th, 2013
Day 20, posted April 11th, 2013
Day 19, posted April 10th, 2013
Day 18, posted April 9th, 2013
Day 17, posted April 8th, 2013
Day 15, posted April 6th, 2013
Day 12, posted April 4th, 2013
Day 11, posted April 3rd, 2013
Day 11, posted April 2nd, 2013
Day 10, posted April 1st, 2013
Day 9, posted March 31st, 2013
Day 8, posted March 30th, 2013
Day 7, posted March 29th, 2013
Day 2, posted March 24th, 2013
Day 1, posted March 23rd, 2013
Day 0, posted March 22nd, 2013
Day 15, posted March 21st, 2013
Day 10, posted March 16th, 2013
Day 5, posted March 11th, 2013
Day 21, posted March 6th, 2013
Day 20, posted March 5th, 2013
Day 18, posted March 3rd, 2013
Day 13, posted February 26th, 2013
Day 8, posted February 21st, 2013
Day 7, posted February 20th, 2013
Day 6, posted February 19th, 2013
Day 4, posted February 17th, 2013
Day 3, posted February 16th, 2013
Day 2, posted February 15th, 2013
Day 1, posted February 14th, 2013
Day 36, posted February 11th, 2013
Day 34, posted February 9th, 2013
Day 33o, posted February 8th, 2013
Day 29, posted February 6th, 2013
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos