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Day 27 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


Ah I'm home now. The family was great. Saw some people I haven't seen in years. My uncle, stutters too, so it was fun to talk with him and not feel so embarrassed about my stutter. My cousin is a musician and kind of odd, so we got a long really well. And my aunt, well she's a talker and I'm a listener, so that was good. 
I'm sick though. Nothing gruesome or hospital worthy, just annoying. 
I must admit though, I almost cut.
Which scares me..
At the moments when I should be happiest, I feel so alone. It's those 3 AM moments that just..destroy me. I woke up crying every night, my finger nails were cutting into my hands, so I cut them off. My cuts on my wrists are almost gone, replaced by some new scars, reminders of what I can't do and cope with. However, I wore short sleeves once this week.     I was pretty proud of myself. Wore like..10 bracelets, but it's a step. 
I lost weight too. But I wasn't really eating because like I said, I'm sick and I feel awful. So I'm not too worried about that.
Worries..that reminds me.
The airport today.
Yeah that brought back some fun memories..

All these men were watching me and drooling over me.
I had to go through security in just a tank top because my sweater was too 'baggy'.
Insane, right?
I got frisked after that. Which was not needed AT ALL because I'm wearing a tank top and tights. What could I be hiding? Nothing.
Everything was on display for everyone.

There were so many wandering eyes on me.

And it didn't stop!
I was sitting in a chair by myself because their weren't many available so I couldn't sit with my family.
About after 30 minutes the women next to me got up and within the minute this nasty 50-60 year old guy sits right down next to me and would not shut up and was not at least hiding where his eyes were going.
It was disgusting.
So of course all these other men felt like that gave them permission to do the same thing.
It's like I was doing a strip tease by just reading my book.

I mean, I looked terrible, I'm sick, I'm coughing, 
I have no idea why they were so fascinated with me.

So I get on my plane and guess who's sitting next to me?
The same man.

Wouldn't shut up. Wouldn't stop looking at my body.
No respect at all.

He even let me know loud and clear what his intentions were.

He asked if I had a place to stay, if I was single, if I wanted to be single, 
my measurements, my weight,
Everything.

It was ridiculous. 

So we land and I reach up to get my bag and I feel this guys hand on my ass.
And he asks if I work out.

So..
I cough on him,
Knee him in the balls,

And step off the plane like nothing happened.


Now, I have problems with men looking at me like that. Have problems with anything sexual in general.
Ah the price of living on the bad side of the city.

Love it.

Just love it.

I mean, I have so many negative memories linked with all of that, way more then positive, so the whole thing usually doesn't work out for me. Especially if I don't know them.
I guess that's why I'm so bad with compliments from random people.
That's where it always starts..just something small like that.

But I guess I'm just paranoid.

But in a way, it's nice to be back, even if I feel like I'm going to drop dead.

"Home is where the heart is."

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Previous Posts
Returning, Take Two., posted July 31st, 2014
Returning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
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