Day 27 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Ah I'm home now. The family was great. Saw some people I haven't seen in years. My uncle, stutters too, so it was fun to talk with him and not feel so embarrassed about my stutter. My cousin is a musician and kind of odd, so we got a long really well. And my aunt, well she's a talker and I'm a listener, so that was good. 
I'm sick though. Nothing gruesome or hospital worthy, just annoying. 
I must admit though, I almost cut.
Which scares me..
At the moments when I should be happiest, I feel so alone. It's those 3 AM moments that just..destroy me. I woke up crying every night, my finger nails were cutting into my hands, so I cut them off. My cuts on my wrists are almost gone, replaced by some new scars, reminders of what I can't do and cope with. However, I wore short sleeves once this week.     I was pretty proud of myself. Wore like..10 bracelets, but it's a step. 
I lost weight too. But I wasn't really eating because like I said, I'm sick and I feel awful. So I'm not too worried about that.
Worries..that reminds me.
The airport today.
Yeah that brought back some fun memories..

All these men were watching me and drooling over me.
I had to go through security in just a tank top because my sweater was too 'baggy'.
Insane, right?
I got frisked after that. Which was not needed AT ALL because I'm wearing a tank top and tights. What could I be hiding? Nothing.
Everything was on display for everyone.

There were so many wandering eyes on me.

And it didn't stop!
I was sitting in a chair by myself because their weren't many available so I couldn't sit with my family.
About after 30 minutes the women next to me got up and within the minute this nasty 50-60 year old guy sits right down next to me and would not shut up and was not at least hiding where his eyes were going.
It was disgusting.
So of course all these other men felt like that gave them permission to do the same thing.
It's like I was doing a strip tease by just reading my book.

I mean, I looked terrible, I'm sick, I'm coughing, 
I have no idea why they were so fascinated with me.

So I get on my plane and guess who's sitting next to me?
The same man.

Wouldn't shut up. Wouldn't stop looking at my body.
No respect at all.

He even let me know loud and clear what his intentions were.

He asked if I had a place to stay, if I was single, if I wanted to be single, 
my measurements, my weight,
Everything.

It was ridiculous. 

So we land and I reach up to get my bag and I feel this guys hand on my ass.
And he asks if I work out.

So..
I cough on him,
Knee him in the balls,

And step off the plane like nothing happened.


Now, I have problems with men looking at me like that. Have problems with anything sexual in general.
Ah the price of living on the bad side of the city.

Love it.

Just love it.

I mean, I have so many negative memories linked with all of that, way more then positive, so the whole thing usually doesn't work out for me. Especially if I don't know them.
I guess that's why I'm so bad with compliments from random people.
That's where it always starts..just something small like that.

But I guess I'm just paranoid.

But in a way, it's nice to be back, even if I feel like I'm going to drop dead.

"Home is where the heart is."