Day 7 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

I once heard in a song, it's better to fade away then to go out like a flame. 
Savannah's condition is getting worse, so far we know she has bone cancer but she might have a brain tumor also. My little angel is dying. I haven't slept in two days because she doesn't. She just screams, she cries, she whimpers. The whimpers, those are the worst of them all. They hurt you, the sound itself brings tears to your eyes, never mind the reason behind them. 
This grief that I'm feeling, it comes only at night. Only when I see her broken, quivering body do I allow myself to cry. To break down into body shaking convulsions. As the sun rises, I slowly become numb again. Mindlessly going through the motions of the day, only to repeat. 
The cuts on my leg are getting deeper, larger, more painful. Every time I stand up, it burns. Sit down, kneel, it stings. I bought a dress, you can see them. I don't think I can get rid of them by the 25th.
My mom was with me when I bought the dress, she looked at me and whispered "But you're such a beautiful girl."
The more I think of this, the more bitter I become about her saying that.
She see's the graphic evidence, and she compliments my looks.

I looked in the mirror this morning, I still hate what I see.

I come home, she clucks at me to eat something.

Won't eat.
Already ate.
Don't want to.
I want nothing in me.
Nothing near me...

I just want to be left alone.

"I kissed the scars on her skin, I still think your beautiful, I never want to loose my best friend."

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Posted on 08:17PM on Jan 16th, 2013
From what I understand, it could be a way of your mother acknowledging your scars, which is not necessarily a bad thing, furthermore, her calling you beautiful may be in her own way a plea for you to stop. So next time you're thinking about that, consider the chance that she may want to help you. Victimizing people before they have had a chance to be heard is a problem of mine. Don't make it a problem of yours too.
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