Day 19 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

I'm not quite sure what started all of this, the reasons have all run away. 
I think something may be wrong, sadly I'm fading. Loosing weight, my skins getting paler, I have all these bruises, and my insides are falling apart. Everything hurts. I'll get this waves of pain, and it just kills. I was talking to one of my doctors just a bit ago, they said they don't know quite what's wrong, but it might not be too good. 
I feel so out of it. Everyone is so concerned, and I'm over here thinking about what it'd be like to put stars on my curtains. 
I can see through my legs now, there's a gap between my thighs. I could see my feet.

They said they're going to give me more medication, but I don't think I'm going to take it. I'd rather just go then have to stay here because of little capsules that are supposed to make it all better. 
I like to think that if I'm supposed to be here, then I'll stay. If not, then I'm okay with going too.

I was up all night thinking last night. Went through a lot of things. I'm trying to have conversations in my head now, I don't think anyone would quite want to listen to what I've got to say. I know I really wouldn't be looking forward to it either. Besides..when everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend.

Oh, I found the song. When I met Jack one of the first things he said to me were this lyrics. I finally found what they were from. So I'm going to be listening to that a bazillion times.

I miss him.

The sun hasn't shined in a while. That just occurred to me. I can not remember the last sunny day we had.
That makes me sad.

"We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain."