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Day 21 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


I'm feeling a bit more like myself again. I woke up, skipped jazz band (no one was home and it was raining), so I got 40 or so minutes to myself. I was looking out the window, watching the rain, listening to music (Such Great Heights by The Section Quartet for those who were wondering) and I started to smile. I was listening, not just hearing the music. It'd been so long since I've done that. I could feel it, understand it better then any words that have been said to me. It was this knowing, this contentedness, that I've been missing.
I went through the motions of the day, a bit more enthusiastic this time. I was practicing with my ensemble group and I was playing bass. Now there's a funny thing about that big beast of an instrument. I completely love it. Telling you that I'm passionate about that is an understatement. There's this feeling of complete bliss when I play it, I can't describe it any other way. There's times every now and then, where I'm really connecting with it. It's not just an object, it has a soul and it almost becomes a part of me. Those are the times when something really gorgeous is produced. See, I don't think it's skill or knowledge. Those things are useful, but to truly be a musician, you have to have a bond with it.
And that's what I got today.
While we were playing, I think it was the final time, it was perfect. We were in a crowded hallway with other groups practicing and we thought we'd play straight through one last time to see how it goes. Everyone stopped playing, they watched. One guy came up to me, he just stared at my bass, watched my hands, my bow, everything. Completely transfixed. You could see the thoughts and the wheels turning in his head. I think for that one moment, he was feeling something like I was.
After that, I went to church group. I really look forward to that, it's like something to hold onto in the middle of the week to remind you that you're really alive and breathing. We were watching this video about a man who had his wife and four children killed in a flash flood. Two of the children were special needs. As sad as it is, his story really stood out to me. You could literally feel the love he had for his family by listening to him. And even though two of his children were special needs, that only made the bond stronger. As I was watching this, I kept thinking to myself, I want that. I want to have a family like that. And when I found out what happened, it really hit me. 
I don't exactly know what I'm trying to go with this, but it really stood out to me. It wasn't just another sad story. There was something behind this one, and I think that's why so many people get affected by it. There's a raw and unconditional love behind this man's words, one that every single one of us longs for.
After watching that we were supposed to write something about the Resurrection of Christ. It could be a skit, a song, a poem, whatever. We decided to do a poem. Somehow I was chosen to be the leader and write it or whatever. So I did what I do best with that. I grabbed a marker and just wrote. The board was soon covered, literally showing my thought process. But there was one phrase that I kept repeating, that showed the similarity between the man and Christ. I kept writing, 'but it was out of love.'
Those 6 words, described so much. But they also linked everything together in a way that I could never fully explain, but it's just something that's understood.
So yeah, that's what I would say to you. 
But the problem is, I still don't talk too much, but I'm working on it.
"If people knew how crazy we all are, would we all leave each other?"

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