Day 34 | bigeyesseemore's Blog
Everything is very..unstable. From the things my life basically revolves around, to the shaking in my fingers. I can't focus on much of anything anymore. I really need to get my act together, it's more then obvious.
Yesterday was hard. Really..hard. These meds I'm on, I don't know if it'd be best to just stop taking them all together. They aren't doing any good, might be making everything worse. There's these moments when I'm just..so scared and unsure of everything. And it builds from that. I'll start shaking, crying, the works. Don't trust what anybody says, it's like I'm in somebody else's life and I'm trying to figure out what is going on. It's the most frustrating thing because for that time I can't remember whether or not I should be trusting them, and my head is like this big mess of everything. I just..can't even describe it. It's a lot like having 7 brains in my head working at once.
It makes me want to die.
It happened again today, it wasn't as long or as bad,but I was with him. He could tell.
That was the worst part, the fact that he knew something was up, and there was no way I could tell him.
But it's sort of weird, everything's blending together within the past few years. I'm thinking about people like I used to think of them years ago. Loving people I don't even speak to anymore.
I don't quite know what to think anymore. Because of that, I've been comparing my life now to a few years ago. What I like, what I don't.
The pros are, I'm pretty healthy, I'm moderately happy, I have a for sure house, going to school, off of drugs, alcohol, etc. I have people that care about me, that aren't going to leave. But to sum it all up, I'm safe.
As for the cons, I don't have the people I loved, in a different way, but I loved them, the fear and thrill of life in general is pretty much gone, I'm living in this crap town, and I'm really unhappy with what I'm doing.
But I'm honestly not sure what to tell you. I really just want to go home, where ever the hell that is.
You know? That's all I want. A good life like that. An apartment in the city, some sunshine, an instrument or twenty, and someone who's company is actually worth it.
That last parts a dozy I've found.
I have an awful habit of hating the people I love the most if that makes sense.
So yeah, my life in general is pretty fucking lukewarm.
"I fought the wolves of patience just to let it all lie down."
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Previous PostsConfused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
Day 0, posted June 30th, 2013
Day 28, posted June 27th, 2013
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