Day 34 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Everything is very..unstable. From the things my life basically revolves around, to the shaking in my fingers. I can't focus on much of anything anymore. I really need to get my act together, it's more then obvious. 
Yesterday was hard. Really..hard. These meds I'm on, I don't know if it'd be best to just stop taking them all together. They aren't doing any good, might be making everything worse. There's these moments when I'm just..so scared and unsure of everything. And it builds from that. I'll start shaking, crying, the works. Don't trust what anybody says, it's like I'm in somebody else's life and I'm trying to figure out what is going on. It's the most frustrating thing because for that time I can't remember whether or not I should be trusting them, and my head is like this big mess of everything. I just..can't even describe it. It's a lot like having 7 brains in my head working at once.
It hurts.
It's insanity.
It makes me want to die.

It happened again today, it wasn't as long or as bad,but I was with him. He could tell.
That was the worst part, the fact that he knew something was up, and there was no way I could tell him.

But it's sort of weird, everything's blending together within the past few years. I'm thinking about people like I used to think of them years ago. Loving people I don't even speak to anymore. 

I don't quite know what to think anymore. Because of that, I've been comparing my life now to a few years ago. What I like, what I don't.

The pros are, I'm pretty healthy, I'm moderately happy, I have a for sure house, going to school, off of drugs, alcohol, etc. I have people that care about me, that aren't going to leave. But to sum it all up, I'm safe.

As for the cons, I don't have the people I loved, in a different way, but I loved them, the fear and thrill of life in general is pretty much gone, I'm living in this crap town, and I'm really unhappy with what I'm doing.

But I'm honestly not sure what to tell you. I really just want to go home, where ever the hell that is.

You know? That's all I want. A good life like that. An apartment in the city, some sunshine, an instrument or twenty, and someone who's company is actually worth it.

That last parts a dozy I've found. 
I have an awful habit of hating the people I love the most if that makes sense.

So yeah, my life in general is pretty fucking lukewarm.

How grand.

"I fought the wolves of patience just to let it all lie down."