Day 1 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

Yeah, we're back to day one, and I really need to work on this. I know. But anxiety is just..a bitch. I figured out my main problem is yelling, that's what get's me so nervous every time and from there it just goes down hill and..yeah. But it's not that many, and they aren't that deep. Well, okay fine there's not that many. But that's improvement. I'm trying to stay positive I guess. I'm really not as upset as I usually would be, I mean I saw it coming. It was only a matter of time before I snapped. I guess I'm just happy I made it as far as I did.
But on to something brighter, I mean it's valentine's day goddammit
Today was actually really good.
School is school, but it was mostly after. See, Trey is home this year for today and we got to spend most of it together. My mom actually likes him, which is amazing. So we were all standing there talking, and I kept thinking to myself, this is really wonderful. My sister called while we were talking and she's okay. But the main thing is that she called, and I got her to laugh once. 
That was nice.
But I had this gift for Trey, I wrapped it and everything (which is a big deal coming from me) and I had gotten him various little things that are kind of personal to our relationship, so I did good. But I had about 8 or so little pieces of paper of things I had written or things I had saw that seemed to explain what I was thinking better then I could. He gave me this rose which I have sitting on a table next to me, and one of the only movies I've ever called good, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. So it was just great. 
But the rest of the night was really nice and everything, I mean it really was.
I'm lucky.
And he's leaving on Sunday to go on vacation for a week, so I'm happy he's going but I mean for obvious reasons I'm kind of sad.
But I'm mostly happy.
And worried.
And sad.
Happy, yes.
But I'm trying not to think about that in till I have to. 
Because it's probably not going to be too pretty.

But the day ended with me spending some time with my mom. She was wasted, but I guess it counts.
So that's where I am right now. Just the big update of today I suppose.
Happy Valentines Day, 
Stay beautiful.

"Suddenly closing my eyes, hands up for the very first time, I'm closing my eyes. Tell me don't give up."
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