Day 2 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

One of my kind of like..ex photographers (no better term for that haha) called me a bit ago. Asked me if I could shoot again, I said sure, I mean I've got nothing better to do. So we went through the works, weight, hair color (I dye it a lot), etc. And he asked about my cuts so I had to tell him that I had them on my thighs and wrists and the top of my rib cage. 
I should have never told him, I don't know why I didn't just lie about it. I mean, it doesn't bother me to lie about anything, I do it all the time. I am a liar. No shame really, I mean it's not something I like to scream to the world, but whatever. Anyway, I had this feeling that I should tell him. I've kept pretty hush hush about the fact that I've relapsed, I mean it's just not a big deal anymore. This is a part of me, and I don't really think I should go around telling everyone how much I'm turning my life around and how I've got all these plans. I'm sober, but I'm still a fuck up. That's just that I guess. I mean I like to hope that one day I'll stop, but right now this is what I have to do. I still hate myself, I still get scared, and I still am alone when it comes to this.
Sorry I keep getting off topic, but..I told him and I was pretty straight forward about it. Maybe that was what I did wrong. But he started yelling about how I was stupid, disgusting, etc. And how I couldn't work for him.
I mean, it hurt and everything..But whatever.
Well, no.
Not whatever. I want to rip myself in half.
I'm a failure and I can't even look right. I am disgusting.
I hate myself.

But of course I'm going to keep quiet about this and act like it never happened, like I said, I'm a good liar.
It's kind of in my blood I guess.

But I've got this writing competition tomorrow. 
The only good thing about this, is when I write about something bad,
I can at least pretend that these stories aren't my own.

"How would you dance if no one was watching? Wouldn't even get on the floor."