Day 2 | bigeyesseemore's Blog

One of my kind of like..ex photographers (no better term for that haha) called me a bit ago. Asked me if I could shoot again, I said sure, I mean I've got nothing better to do. So we went through the works, weight, hair color (I dye it a lot), etc. And he asked about my cuts so I had to tell him that I had them on my thighs and wrists and the top of my rib cage. 
I should have never told him, I don't know why I didn't just lie about it. I mean, it doesn't bother me to lie about anything, I do it all the time. I am a liar. No shame really, I mean it's not something I like to scream to the world, but whatever. Anyway, I had this feeling that I should tell him. I've kept pretty hush hush about the fact that I've relapsed, I mean it's just not a big deal anymore. This is a part of me, and I don't really think I should go around telling everyone how much I'm turning my life around and how I've got all these plans. I'm sober, but I'm still a fuck up. That's just that I guess. I mean I like to hope that one day I'll stop, but right now this is what I have to do. I still hate myself, I still get scared, and I still am alone when it comes to this.
Sorry I keep getting off topic, but..I told him and I was pretty straight forward about it. Maybe that was what I did wrong. But he started yelling about how I was stupid, disgusting, etc. And how I couldn't work for him.
I mean, it hurt and everything..But whatever.
Well, no.
Not whatever. I want to rip myself in half.
I'm a failure and I can't even look right. I am disgusting.
I hate myself.

But of course I'm going to keep quiet about this and act like it never happened, like I said, I'm a good liar.
It's kind of in my blood I guess.

But I've got this writing competition tomorrow. 
The only good thing about this, is when I write about something bad,
I can at least pretend that these stories aren't my own.

"How would you dance if no one was watching? Wouldn't even get on the floor."

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Previous Posts
Returning, Take Two., posted July 31st, 2014
Returning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
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