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Day 4 | bigeyesseemore's Blog


Today was a long day.
Trey left, which is great and horrible at the same time. I just want him to be happy, and I want him to enjoy himself. I honestly want nothing more. I don't care what's going on here, as long as he's happy, I'm happy. 
But I need him. So much right now.
I've been anxious all day, and today was not a good day. It felt like people were following me all day. I was at a library, volunteering so I can get confirmed, and I was in the back room. It was dark and quiet and I was alone. 
My palms have cuts in them from my nails digging in. 
But I told him it was nice. I told him all the good things I did for them, how much I helped them. I thought he'd feel happy to know that. 
So I went home and tried to calm down for a while, which worked out just fine. I was okay except I was shaking real bad, but that's okay.
But then Richie called me and told me about this party thing, but then we remembered I had to do a shoot today with the photographer I've been talking about.
And then it all went downhill.
When we got there, he was already high and in an awful mood. 
I had to do a bikini shoot, but I mean it was nothing scandalous.
He kept complaining about how I didn't look sexy enough or whatever, and I kept telling him I wasn't doing that. So he then went off about how awful and ugly I am or whatever. And me, well being me, we kind of started yelling at each other. I kept telling him I was going to walk about, but he knew I couldn't because I need the money.
So he eventually stops the shoot and walks up to me and he slaps me. Again, and again and again.
I wish I fought back, I wish I did something. But I couldn't, I just couldn't.
Richie pretty much beat the shit out of him, smashed his camera, and we left.
We went back to his car and he looked at my face and it hurts. It reminded me so much of when he used to do that and Richie would just calm me down and make sure I was okay.
It was like everything was happening again.
So he kissed my check and we went home.
But, Trey could tell something was wrong. And I haven't told him what happened. I told him everything was good and that I was fine, but I know he knows something happened. I don't know if I should tell him or not. I don't want him to be worried.
Why can't everything be fine? I just wish I could tell him about the amazing day I'm having, and that I don't miss him so much that it hurts, and that I'm happy and smiling and that I'm not crying.
I just want this day/week/month/existence to be over.  
"It's not much of a life you're living. It's not something you take, it's something your given."

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