Day 4 | bigeyesseemore's Blog
Today was a long day.
Trey left, which is great and horrible at the same time. I just want him to be happy, and I want him to enjoy himself. I honestly want nothing more. I don't care what's going on here, as long as he's happy, I'm happy.
But I need him. So much right now.
I've been anxious all day, and today was not a good day. It felt like people were following me all day. I was at a library, volunteering so I can get confirmed, and I was in the back room. It was dark and quiet and I was alone.
My palms have cuts in them from my nails digging in.
But I told him it was nice. I told him all the good things I did for them, how much I helped them. I thought he'd feel happy to know that.
So I went home and tried to calm down for a while, which worked out just fine. I was okay except I was shaking real bad, but that's okay.
But then Richie called me and told me about this party thing, but then we remembered I had to do a shoot today with the photographer I've been talking about.
And then it all went downhill.
When we got there, he was already high and in an awful mood.
I had to do a bikini shoot, but I mean it was nothing scandalous.
He kept complaining about how I didn't look sexy enough or whatever, and I kept telling him I wasn't doing that. So he then went off about how awful and ugly I am or whatever. And me, well being me, we kind of started yelling at each other. I kept telling him I was going to walk about, but he knew I couldn't because I need the money.
So he eventually stops the shoot and walks up to me and he slaps me. Again, and again and again.
I wish I fought back, I wish I did something. But I couldn't, I just couldn't.
Richie pretty much beat the shit out of him, smashed his camera, and we left.
We went back to his car and he looked at my face and it hurts. It reminded me so much of when he used to do that and Richie would just calm me down and make sure I was okay.
It was like everything was happening again.
So he kissed my check and we went home.
But, Trey could tell something was wrong. And I haven't told him what happened. I told him everything was good and that I was fine, but I know he knows something happened. I don't know if I should tell him or not. I don't want him to be worried.
Why can't everything be fine? I just wish I could tell him about the amazing day I'm having, and that I don't miss him so much that it hurts, and that I'm happy and smiling and that I'm not crying.
I just want this day/week/month/existence to be over.
"It's not much of a life you're living. It's not something you take, it's something your given."
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Previous PostsReturning, posted June 17th, 2014
Confused, posted February 17th, 2014
Liar, posted February 2nd, 2014
Golden Tr(age)dy, posted January 16th, 2014
Cold Coffee, posted January 11th, 2014
Thanks For Leaving the Light On, posted January 6th, 2014
Secrets, posted December 3rd, 2013
Obligations, posted November 26th, 2013
Jet Plane, posted November 19th, 2013
Comfortable, posted November 10th, 2013
Elongated, posted November 7th, 2013
"If Only", posted November 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Drowning, posted October 31st, 2013
Home, posted October 28th, 2013
Ceaselessly, posted October 26th, 2013
Invisible, posted October 24th, 2013
Scars, posted October 18th, 2013
Madly. Truly. Deeply., posted October 7th, 2013
Continue, Please., posted September 26th, 2013
Left Side vs. Right Side, posted September 24th, 2013
Continuous Green, posted September 22nd, 2013
Exhale, posted September 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Grapevine Fires, posted September 14th, 2013
Cherish, posted September 11th, 2013
Welcome To My Life, posted September 9th, 2013
Demons, posted September 5th, 2013
The Opposite of Indifference, posted September 1st, 2013
Less Than, posted August 30th, 2013
Smoke, posted August 29th, 2013
Echo, posted August 28th, 2013
Coffee Break, posted August 27th, 2013
L_ST, posted August 26th, 2013
Maybe, posted August 25th, 2013
Big Parade, posted August 24th, 2013
Untouchable, posted August 21st, 2013
Persisting, posted August 20th, 2013
"Keep Going, I Guess", posted August 16th, 2013
Shutting Down, posted August 2nd, 2013
Drifting, posted July 31st, 2013
Touching Down, posted July 26th, 2013
Carry On, posted July 21st, 2013
Fixing It, posted July 13th, 2013
Relapse, posted July 12th, 2013
A Change of Pace, posted July 11th, 2013
The Beginning of the End, posted July 8th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 6th, 2013
Day 0, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 1, posted July 3rd, 2013
Day 0 (continued), posted July 1st, 2013
Day 0, posted June 30th, 2013
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